When I read that first clear line that told me my life was going to change forever, Jesse and I were excited and apprehensive. We were right to feel both.
Two children, a house, a cat, and many schedule changes later, we're well pleased... but we hardly have time to talk about such things. Over the last five or so years, Jesse and I have basically been flying at break-neck speeds, dodging bills and managing usual family needs. From birthday planning to clothing needs, work deadlines to school payments, we've teamed up pretty well... but where's 'us?'
Since moving to Tewksbury, Jesse and I have become more involved in our parish. We were always involved in our faith, but now we're connecting with people who live nearby and that we see weekly, not yearly. I'm teaching Religious Ed, we're building a youth ministry, and we're participating in Marriage Prep.
They may be small moments, and it may have taken five years to get to a point where we can do these things, but it's been more than worth it. Oh, and it's not about getting away from the kids. We've enjoyed those lit'uns all the while. We especially loving them now that they're able to do so much more, yet not too old to want to be only with their friends. Somehow, through teamwork and solid management, we've made this little family life work. And when I wonder how we'll somehow manage in the future, I realize one thing: Somehow=God.
Don't Bother Reading Unless You Know Me... Well...
Sorry readers who don't know me well enough. And sorry to those who do. I
know I sound bat-shit crazy in this blog, but I need to express.
I have a dream I'm running around a house trying to put things in order, from one room to another and back and stopping in between. Not my real house of course as my real house only has two rooms completely adjacent to each other. This involves stairs and doors, and knocking on the doors for assistance which sometimes comes but never as expected, and other time comes unasked but not, again, as expected, and chasing people who aren't quite there, and the task or tasks are never quite ready on time or completed correctly and this repeats throughout until the next day when I wake... um... wait...
Right! I'm not waking up because it's not a dream; it's my head. It's full. No room for accurate or halfway successful thought. Ahem, Ghost-writer, the brain is full.
I can't blame anyone but myself for having expectations of any sort. It's not anyone's fault that I get as excited about anything as I do. Positive thinking is great but it backfires. My motivation is just that: my own.
Long pause as thoughts fight for outcome.
It's not going to win. I am not going to start writing it again. Someday I will have the courage to trash it, but not today. This... this is what made writing it so satisfying. I was the only one who needed to approve it. Now this is bigger, better, more. Now I can't let it take me down that road again.
It's frustrating but it's life, and I'll get over it, sotospeak. Meanwhile, it doesn't matter how much sleep I get. Nothing counts unless I get rest. Does that make sense to anyone but me? (unwritten response)
This is but a fraction of my ever moving mind. The mind, a bridge between the spirit and the soul... so I've read. It's my latest brainwave. Honestly, can't I shut the thing off for a while?! Even in my sleep I can't stop thinking!
Maybe two docs back was right - I need psych meds. lol
I have a dream I'm running around a house trying to put things in order, from one room to another and back and stopping in between. Not my real house of course as my real house only has two rooms completely adjacent to each other. This involves stairs and doors, and knocking on the doors for assistance which sometimes comes but never as expected, and other time comes unasked but not, again, as expected, and chasing people who aren't quite there, and the task or tasks are never quite ready on time or completed correctly and this repeats throughout until the next day when I wake... um... wait...
Right! I'm not waking up because it's not a dream; it's my head. It's full. No room for accurate or halfway successful thought. Ahem, Ghost-writer, the brain is full.
I can't blame anyone but myself for having expectations of any sort. It's not anyone's fault that I get as excited about anything as I do. Positive thinking is great but it backfires. My motivation is just that: my own.
Long pause as thoughts fight for outcome.
It's not going to win. I am not going to start writing it again. Someday I will have the courage to trash it, but not today. This... this is what made writing it so satisfying. I was the only one who needed to approve it. Now this is bigger, better, more. Now I can't let it take me down that road again.
It's frustrating but it's life, and I'll get over it, sotospeak. Meanwhile, it doesn't matter how much sleep I get. Nothing counts unless I get rest. Does that make sense to anyone but me? (unwritten response)
This is but a fraction of my ever moving mind. The mind, a bridge between the spirit and the soul... so I've read. It's my latest brainwave. Honestly, can't I shut the thing off for a while?! Even in my sleep I can't stop thinking!
Maybe two docs back was right - I need psych meds. lol
The First Part of Any Journey: Go.
Been a bit since my last blog and of course I can't remember a bit of the things I keep thinking I should blog about. Ah well, I'll let my fingers do the typing.
Things are moving forward with the Youth Ministry. I look back at the many times I've felt the tug to be involved in such a thing, but I never had the opportunity with my parish. I had Catholic Student Organization in college, and some exposure to LaSallette Youth Group at that time, but little else. Jesse and I tried a few times to get something happening, some permission to even start something at our Burlington parish, but we were regarded as inexperienced kids and brushed aside. Seriously? That parish is as boring as before, and as old, no offense.
It was a true Blessing that we were sent to St. Thomas' (St. Dorothy's first actually) and now we're leading a youth ministry! I have no idea if it'll flop or fly, but so far we're moving forward and I feel like God has been working slowly on us, training us, preparing us. Some 'kids' grow up through youth ministry while others receive it on a more personal level, not being able to share what they feel and their relationship with the Lord. I had to put it in His Hands more than a few times. I had to keep myself from taking it back more than a few times. He's in control; His timing, not mine. It worked.
We 'launch' Catholic Youth Ministry' (CYM) this Sunday and kick off with a Pizza & Prayer series Friday nights during Lent. We're covering stations of the cross which can be boring or deeply spiritual depending upon how it's covered and how receptive the participants are. I imagine we'll be somewhere in the middle. Fall River had (in my college days) a spectacular stations which took place in Kennedy Square, covered three churches, had a nun who did a monologue of Mary witnessing her Son on the Cross, and a three-person choir that sounded like 40 angels. Yeah, obviously we can't dream to compete with that, but I remember how somber, how moving, how capturing many pieces of that service were and I think about ways to grasp that concept in teeny-tiny baby steps. What was covered; what was prayed; what was sung?
Leaders can't declare themselves leaders. We're always put in this position by others, else the position is weak. I was suggested by a more experienced youth leader and I prepared by God (not to say that I'm entirely ready... yet.) I owe a lot of credit to those who stand with me: my guides, my support, and my husband of course.
Will it work out? God knows and He ain't tellin'. If nothing else, the growing phase has always been enriching for me. Ever have a goal that you strive for and you're not enjoying the journey until you pay attention to it (the journey) and enjoy it on purpose? It is much more fun getting there and then once 'there' is achieved, it's far more enriching, enjoyable, enlightening. You've come so far, here you are. You made it, but not without the coming part. You want to be there? Go there. Go. It's what Jesus said to His disciples: Go.
Things are moving forward with the Youth Ministry. I look back at the many times I've felt the tug to be involved in such a thing, but I never had the opportunity with my parish. I had Catholic Student Organization in college, and some exposure to LaSallette Youth Group at that time, but little else. Jesse and I tried a few times to get something happening, some permission to even start something at our Burlington parish, but we were regarded as inexperienced kids and brushed aside. Seriously? That parish is as boring as before, and as old, no offense.
It was a true Blessing that we were sent to St. Thomas' (St. Dorothy's first actually) and now we're leading a youth ministry! I have no idea if it'll flop or fly, but so far we're moving forward and I feel like God has been working slowly on us, training us, preparing us. Some 'kids' grow up through youth ministry while others receive it on a more personal level, not being able to share what they feel and their relationship with the Lord. I had to put it in His Hands more than a few times. I had to keep myself from taking it back more than a few times. He's in control; His timing, not mine. It worked.
We 'launch' Catholic Youth Ministry' (CYM) this Sunday and kick off with a Pizza & Prayer series Friday nights during Lent. We're covering stations of the cross which can be boring or deeply spiritual depending upon how it's covered and how receptive the participants are. I imagine we'll be somewhere in the middle. Fall River had (in my college days) a spectacular stations which took place in Kennedy Square, covered three churches, had a nun who did a monologue of Mary witnessing her Son on the Cross, and a three-person choir that sounded like 40 angels. Yeah, obviously we can't dream to compete with that, but I remember how somber, how moving, how capturing many pieces of that service were and I think about ways to grasp that concept in teeny-tiny baby steps. What was covered; what was prayed; what was sung?
Leaders can't declare themselves leaders. We're always put in this position by others, else the position is weak. I was suggested by a more experienced youth leader and I prepared by God (not to say that I'm entirely ready... yet.) I owe a lot of credit to those who stand with me: my guides, my support, and my husband of course.
Will it work out? God knows and He ain't tellin'. If nothing else, the growing phase has always been enriching for me. Ever have a goal that you strive for and you're not enjoying the journey until you pay attention to it (the journey) and enjoy it on purpose? It is much more fun getting there and then once 'there' is achieved, it's far more enriching, enjoyable, enlightening. You've come so far, here you are. You made it, but not without the coming part. You want to be there? Go there. Go. It's what Jesus said to His disciples: Go.
Rock On, BFF, Rock On...
Christmas. Was. Awesome.
Great opener, eh? It's not because we had some amazing party with all our friends, or because we have the means to provide countless enormous gifts to our lit'uns. Certainly not because the BFF and I got everything we'd ever dreamed of (including a fluffy white Christmas!) but because it was with my family. My lit'uns, minions of the crazy and the slightly less crazy, my BFF, and me. I was excited because I thought I'd finally thought up a gift Jesse hadn't asked for, let alone sent a specific link with excessive price tag! I thought, "Finally, a gift he'll love that I thought up all on my own!" It went okay, that part. Can't complain.
I was pleased because the kids loved there gifts, the littlest exclaiming "Oh my!" many times over. And I was impressed that my darling BFF was clever enough to get me make-up and other assorted womanly things which I will use and does match and is practical. Quite impressed. Got a nice laptop backpack, thin and light, and a lovely nativity piece which will have to wait for a bigger house... which WILL happen someday, be it from this house itself or another! I have faith in that now!
Truly, we are Blessed, our little family. There were times, and sometimes still are, when we say, "Food or gas this week? Hmmm...." But mostly it works out because we're careful, and by careful I mean I'm stingy and my love is crafty. He tells me my yarmulke is too tight, and he's usually right, but I can live with that. After all, I work for a Jew both here and beyond.
Really, the man puts up with quite a bit in me. He patiently waits out my tyrants yet apparently hears them well based on the accuracy of his gifts this week. He works his fool ass off overnight, five nights a week, and still manages to grocery shop and cook most meals, not to mention yard work, house work, usual shopping errands, and fixing everything from cars to toys. He preps my lunches many times and even makes sure there's enough before taking his own portion. He loves the children beyond his capacity, making him a model father for his brother to admire. He cares for both our sets of parents by going out of his way to help them in whatever way they need. He helps his coworkers out even when it means losing sleep or a few hours of time with his family (which are rare as is). And though I say he can be a downright grouch, it's true, he's got the softest heart a man can have... Ahem, whilst still being a man of course!
Make-up and desk items and Deeeee-licious Christmas ham aside... Baby, you're enough for all the Christmas gifts in a lifetime! Ain't nobody got what we got, baby! (At least for me!)
Great opener, eh? It's not because we had some amazing party with all our friends, or because we have the means to provide countless enormous gifts to our lit'uns. Certainly not because the BFF and I got everything we'd ever dreamed of (including a fluffy white Christmas!) but because it was with my family. My lit'uns, minions of the crazy and the slightly less crazy, my BFF, and me. I was excited because I thought I'd finally thought up a gift Jesse hadn't asked for, let alone sent a specific link with excessive price tag! I thought, "Finally, a gift he'll love that I thought up all on my own!" It went okay, that part. Can't complain.
I was pleased because the kids loved there gifts, the littlest exclaiming "Oh my!" many times over. And I was impressed that my darling BFF was clever enough to get me make-up and other assorted womanly things which I will use and does match and is practical. Quite impressed. Got a nice laptop backpack, thin and light, and a lovely nativity piece which will have to wait for a bigger house... which WILL happen someday, be it from this house itself or another! I have faith in that now!
Truly, we are Blessed, our little family. There were times, and sometimes still are, when we say, "Food or gas this week? Hmmm...." But mostly it works out because we're careful, and by careful I mean I'm stingy and my love is crafty. He tells me my yarmulke is too tight, and he's usually right, but I can live with that. After all, I work for a Jew both here and beyond.
Really, the man puts up with quite a bit in me. He patiently waits out my tyrants yet apparently hears them well based on the accuracy of his gifts this week. He works his fool ass off overnight, five nights a week, and still manages to grocery shop and cook most meals, not to mention yard work, house work, usual shopping errands, and fixing everything from cars to toys. He preps my lunches many times and even makes sure there's enough before taking his own portion. He loves the children beyond his capacity, making him a model father for his brother to admire. He cares for both our sets of parents by going out of his way to help them in whatever way they need. He helps his coworkers out even when it means losing sleep or a few hours of time with his family (which are rare as is). And though I say he can be a downright grouch, it's true, he's got the softest heart a man can have... Ahem, whilst still being a man of course!
Make-up and desk items and Deeeee-licious Christmas ham aside... Baby, you're enough for all the Christmas gifts in a lifetime! Ain't nobody got what we got, baby! (At least for me!)
So Much To Do, So Little... Ooh Shiny!
So I get a little (ahem, LOT) distracted at times. Could explain the long absence from blogging, posting, writing in general. Perhaps the new hat has given me the bug what with all the technical writing and, uh, stuff. So now that I'm here, I, uh... where was I again... Oh yes! I was being distracted.
I suppose I'll catch some of you up on the happenings of my life. Both kids in preschool, BFF still working the overnight five nights a week, promotion to EMR Optimization Specialist since July 1st. Yup, it's a mouthful = preschool. Kindergarten is around the corner, when the school bus gets to take her, not Mama.Sadly it's only 2.5 days a week and I'm not going to know which days until it's way late in the game to sign my son up for preschool. Grrr schedules.
Okay, not trying to sound heartless on the kicking the kids off to school but... see comment: BFF/Overnight/five nights... Yeah that. It sucks, as in sucks the life out of our relationship. 20 minutes of talking together is a rarity and usually only happens once a week on the road to wherever the weekend takes us. PS: The weekend never takes us on dates, sans kids.
I do LOVE my babies though. I started telling Jess about a dream I had when VJ butt in with, "Yeah Mama, and then I put my superhero cape on and flew in and then Blue was there..." (stuffed monkey=bestie) He is all over the storytelling and randomness and... No idea where he gets it! {Ahh, cat's all snuggly... what? Oh typing...}
Then there's Bekah, the intelligent, thoughtful, giving, quick-witted, also conniving, jealous, greedy... Just messin'. Frailty, thy name is Bekah! I never know what's she'll say or how she'll react. One second happy and psyched out laughing then BANG tantrum like she's two again; the Earth hath shifted and she's not happy with it. Usually cured with some zero-gravity training by Daddy.
Okay, I've succeeded at creating an editor's nightmare of a blog ;) Now off to do some research for my CCD class. A student has an interest in the story of the wise men, particularly the legend of the one who couldn't make the journey. Time to investigate the... I should really do those dishes...
I suppose I'll catch some of you up on the happenings of my life. Both kids in preschool, BFF still working the overnight five nights a week, promotion to EMR Optimization Specialist since July 1st. Yup, it's a mouthful = preschool. Kindergarten is around the corner, when the school bus gets to take her, not Mama.Sadly it's only 2.5 days a week and I'm not going to know which days until it's way late in the game to sign my son up for preschool. Grrr schedules.
Okay, not trying to sound heartless on the kicking the kids off to school but... see comment: BFF/Overnight/five nights... Yeah that. It sucks, as in sucks the life out of our relationship. 20 minutes of talking together is a rarity and usually only happens once a week on the road to wherever the weekend takes us. PS: The weekend never takes us on dates, sans kids.
I do LOVE my babies though. I started telling Jess about a dream I had when VJ butt in with, "Yeah Mama, and then I put my superhero cape on and flew in and then Blue was there..." (stuffed monkey=bestie) He is all over the storytelling and randomness and... No idea where he gets it! {Ahh, cat's all snuggly... what? Oh typing...}
Then there's Bekah, the intelligent, thoughtful, giving, quick-witted, also conniving, jealous, greedy... Just messin'. Frailty, thy name is Bekah! I never know what's she'll say or how she'll react. One second happy and psyched out laughing then BANG tantrum like she's two again; the Earth hath shifted and she's not happy with it. Usually cured with some zero-gravity training by Daddy.
Okay, I've succeeded at creating an editor's nightmare of a blog ;) Now off to do some research for my CCD class. A student has an interest in the story of the wise men, particularly the legend of the one who couldn't make the journey. Time to investigate the... I should really do those dishes...
Catching up on the Right Road
My son came into the office with a cough and left with a nebulizer today. Hopefully this helps in the sleep process. Why haven't I posted in weeks? Too tired! And other minor reasons, but mostly it's a schedule thing. Seriously, the way today went, they just went to bed. Their bedtime is 7:30, like mine was as a child. Call me old fashioned but it works for us. They should at least sleep in for me tomorrow, and since it's not a school day, that's fine. School... Bekah's in kindergarten next year (eep!) and we're moving VJ to 3-day preschool. But slow down, Caroline... one year at a time, actually one month at a time, or week or day or hour... Yeah, sometimes I feel like I live hourly, even though I schedule annually.
So... How's my full plate? There's two little soccer teams I'm coaching Saturday mornings. I teach 9th grade CCD about every other Sunday night. I'm starting a Youth Ministry in our church. I up for review in my new position in work (and I feel like I've rocked the spot!) Yup, that about sums it up. Full plate, lots of emailing, lots of scheduling, lots of lots... And don't worry, I'm not dillusional. It'll get busier as the years go by. I know.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, like the road, while busy and bumpy at times, feels smooth, feels right. And look! I'm writing again! I might even start writing outside of blogs and personal rants! I won't start the old stuff again, not sure about things there still. But I will commit more time to Christ and whatever the Father has planned for me. I simply don't feel fulfilled unless I'm serving Him in some capacity. On a side note, I hope to help Jess finish his Christian studies. I can't remember if it's a ministry degree or something in religious studies, but I know he needs the time to get back to it. God always provides for us on His schedule though. If we're patient (sometimes even when we're not) He will provide as always.
I do lose myself in the DVR sometimes. Lost a few shows to series finales last spring, but there's new shows and some old... Okay, we all need a hobby... Sucker for supernatural fairy tale mysteries!
I'm Sorry I Can't Climb That Tree, There's a Branch in the Way, and By the Way, Where's the Forest
So I keep a mental running list of all the things I need to do in my off-time; running as in running away from consciousness. They range from 'go for a run/jog/walk' to 'use that massage gift card finally' to 'go clothes shopping for me sans kids' and they never happen. I even have a babysitter now and a new position at work with more money so... yeah, still hasn't happened.
I never seem to have time but really most of those things require me making time. I get frustrated at all the people for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's foolish excuses: There's a good movie on and I want to spend time with him now and he's watching it so... I should too. Sometimes it's useless blaming: I never get things done because he's always so tired... but so am I! It's not going to get me anywhere and I know it. More importantly it isn't true, not entirely. Sometimes I vent to God that I have no one to vent to... yeah, I hope I don't need to explain that one.
Bottom line, I'm the only one in my way of getting my own list of personal chores done. I'm the reason I haven't created flash cards for the kids for summer reading yet. I'm the reason I haven't worked out. I'm the reason I haven't called our babysitter more often. I'm probably the reason I haven't motivated myself too. Question is how do I hop this life obstacle.
The con of this perspective is that I'm to blame and it only brings me down in a sense. Truly it shouldn't. I should see it more 'glass-half-full' and realize that if I'm to blame then I can fix. Easier said than done. I'm working on it. If I'm the only one keeping me from doing what I want, and I'm the only one to motivate me to do what I want, then what happens when Team Me had a bad day or is sick or just plain too exhausted to move forward. A second in command would be nice.
Leads me to another 'on the list' item that I'm trying to tackle. I've been reading my Bible to clear my mind, or more like fill it with the right stuff. Sometimes I go gospel and continue in a place I left off. Sometimes I find something interesting and research it. Sometimes I do the cheesy flip through to see what opens up. Haven't done it as often as I should, but I'm getting more out of the Bible than the latest best-seller might offer (although I did like Hunger Games).
So as usual life continues to get in the way, but as in Matthew (don't ask exactly where!) Jesus warns "don't worry about what you're going to wear" and I think he might have been speaking directly to me. I've been using that particular command to keep me from, ahem, wembling too much and to just get to the task. (Thanks Fraggle Rock!) I can mount this obstacle and I'd better; there's more ahead I'm sure.
I never seem to have time but really most of those things require me making time. I get frustrated at all the people for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's foolish excuses: There's a good movie on and I want to spend time with him now and he's watching it so... I should too. Sometimes it's useless blaming: I never get things done because he's always so tired... but so am I! It's not going to get me anywhere and I know it. More importantly it isn't true, not entirely. Sometimes I vent to God that I have no one to vent to... yeah, I hope I don't need to explain that one.
Bottom line, I'm the only one in my way of getting my own list of personal chores done. I'm the reason I haven't created flash cards for the kids for summer reading yet. I'm the reason I haven't worked out. I'm the reason I haven't called our babysitter more often. I'm probably the reason I haven't motivated myself too. Question is how do I hop this life obstacle.
The con of this perspective is that I'm to blame and it only brings me down in a sense. Truly it shouldn't. I should see it more 'glass-half-full' and realize that if I'm to blame then I can fix. Easier said than done. I'm working on it. If I'm the only one keeping me from doing what I want, and I'm the only one to motivate me to do what I want, then what happens when Team Me had a bad day or is sick or just plain too exhausted to move forward. A second in command would be nice.
Leads me to another 'on the list' item that I'm trying to tackle. I've been reading my Bible to clear my mind, or more like fill it with the right stuff. Sometimes I go gospel and continue in a place I left off. Sometimes I find something interesting and research it. Sometimes I do the cheesy flip through to see what opens up. Haven't done it as often as I should, but I'm getting more out of the Bible than the latest best-seller might offer (although I did like Hunger Games).
So as usual life continues to get in the way, but as in Matthew (don't ask exactly where!) Jesus warns "don't worry about what you're going to wear" and I think he might have been speaking directly to me. I've been using that particular command to keep me from, ahem, wembling too much and to just get to the task. (Thanks Fraggle Rock!) I can mount this obstacle and I'd better; there's more ahead I'm sure.
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