I'm fat.
Yeah I know those who know me would say, "Yeah, okay Caroline." Those who know me really well, of which I can think of one person besides myself, might say, "Well whose fault is that?" I'm not really fat, just seriously out of shape for me... and with a bigger mid-section.
That's not exactly what I'm here to blog about. I just needed to start somewhere. I can't even type like I used to: I'm looking down at the keys and backspacing all the time!!! This is going to take forever!! I'm out of every loop known to... well, known to me anyway. I can't cry about being out of the loop with things I never cared about: pop culture, music, government elections, price of tea in China (Sorry Jess). Not only have I been disconnected with work and my own family, I haven't even taken more than a worrisome thought of my own person. Plenty of worrisome, warranted or not alas, but not more. I only half care about what I eat anymore. I care to the point of "will this send me running or give me reflux" and that's about it. Snacking more, as expected, has led to the current overhang. I haven't even exercised in well over four months. Aside health, I haven't done a thing in the mom's group I'm 'in' in even longer. Schedule's too... retarded. I have about two hours Tuesdays and Thursdays and all morning Wednesdays but I usually either hang with my mom on her day off or have things to do at home (and my home's tiny so a playgroup there ain't happening). {F~@%ing backspacing!!!!} All this ho-hum is killing me. As if my hormones aren't screwed up enough. I need to find a way out of this rut!
So my dad got me this great book for Christmas about angel encounters, clueless about my state mind you. I did me well to read some real stories, get out of my own head so to speak. That's really my biggest problem and why I haven't gone back to writing, hence the backspacing, hence the depression, hence the torn emotions, hence the loss of reality, hence the cluelessness of those around me, hence the looking inconsiderate probably, hence the mind-churning... how do I explain this and then hence the lack of seeing psych. <sigh> Yeah. I don't even have social interaction to distract me. How could I? Our schedule SUCKS! I have one friend who's reached out to meet up with me, the one who'd see me delve back into the torture of self-losing writing (LUV U!!!) but that's another story. I've lived in Tewksbury a little over a year and been in the mom's group almost a year. No new friends really. I've worked at WPA for nine years shy three weeks. Don't hang with any of them outside work unless we get out super early and I miraculously have kid coverage. Now this is no dis on anyone else; at least work people have invited me places on occasion. It's somewhere between my schedule, lack of babysitter, and not having friends to start with. Oh and the no-babysitter? People say, what about all the teenagers in your neighborhood? Okay, I'll just knock door to door until someone's willing and looks okay for the job. I don't know anyone! My next-door neighbor's crazy, love her, but she's batty (though I would trust her in an emergency I should say). My diagonal neighbors are nice but always busy. We haven't exchanged numbers or connected online or anything either.
I'm so running away with this. Not like anyone reads it though so whatev. I think I have the most publicly private (or privately public?) blog there is. I remember when the depression was at its worst and Jesse told me later he had been really worried about me (which surprised me for two reasons: I didn't know he noticed and he didn't tell me he noticed). I blogged then, but I also FB'd all the time and not a soul in my contact list gave a rat's ass. Too busy updating their kid's hockey score or poeming about life or commenting on their yummy lunch or saying where the hell they are and how often they pick their damn asses. lol. I'm so not on FB anymore. I use Google+ to get social media news or techno things or the like, but I'm hardly on that too except a glance a few times a week.
So my recent fixes? I've unplugged and replugged on a different, more calming level (hence the switch). I should throw in that I was sometimes as guilty about the pointless status updates, but I don't use that outlet anymore. It was utterly fruitless. I pray now, much more and it's much more therapeutic... with answers! I'm still a bitter old bitch, with a growing mid-section to work on, but at least I can stare my issues in the face and say, "Yup, you're there. Sit tight while I deal with life and I'll figure out how to kick your butt later." I'm still stuck in a shitty schedule, but Jesse has the worst of it truthfully. Thank God I have a husband like him who can take it! I'm also trying to keep busy which for someone who likes human contact and basically has none _ sucks. This post is the longest I've been on the computer in a while. I'm trying to go back to reading or at least doing chores and then going to bed, which inevitably ends up being midnight every night anyway. I've learned to shut my mouth at work, less I talk the less the counter and the easier the day goes. "Yup my bad... okay, sure..." And I certainly don't chime in with comment like I used to when people say utterly foolish things like, "How'd he get into football if he went to a Christian college?" That was today's head slapper. Seriously, there should be a stupid board! I'm not a genius by far which leads me to believe I should have a much more rewarding job... it's like punishment sometimes! They're not all like that at all, but I swear I catch some really ridiculous moments and it's usually from the egos to boot.
Okay, I've killed enough time, and backspaced enough for one night, or week. Sometimes I think my brain is such mush I'm going to be just as dumb... I'd better get some sleep.
