Christmas. Was. Awesome.
Great opener, eh? It's not because we had some amazing party with all our friends, or because we have the means to provide countless enormous gifts to our lit'uns. Certainly not because the BFF and I got everything we'd ever dreamed of (including a fluffy white Christmas!) but because it was with my family. My lit'uns, minions of the crazy and the slightly less crazy, my BFF, and me. I was excited because I thought I'd finally thought up a gift Jesse hadn't asked for, let alone sent a specific link with excessive price tag! I thought, "Finally, a gift he'll love that I thought up all on my own!" It went okay, that part. Can't complain.
I was pleased because the kids loved there gifts, the littlest exclaiming "Oh my!" many times over. And I was impressed that my darling BFF was clever enough to get me make-up and other assorted womanly things which I will use and does match and is practical. Quite impressed. Got a nice laptop backpack, thin and light, and a lovely nativity piece which will have to wait for a bigger house... which WILL happen someday, be it from this house itself or another! I have faith in that now!
Truly, we are Blessed, our little family. There were times, and sometimes still are, when we say, "Food or gas this week? Hmmm...." But mostly it works out because we're careful, and by careful I mean I'm stingy and my love is crafty. He tells me my yarmulke is too tight, and he's usually right, but I can live with that. After all, I work for a Jew both here and beyond.
Really, the man puts up with quite a bit in me. He patiently waits out my tyrants yet apparently hears them well based on the accuracy of his gifts this week. He works his fool ass off overnight, five nights a week, and still manages to grocery shop and cook most meals, not to mention yard work, house work, usual shopping errands, and fixing everything from cars to toys. He preps my lunches many times and even makes sure there's enough before taking his own portion. He loves the children beyond his capacity, making him a model father for his brother to admire. He cares for both our sets of parents by going out of his way to help them in whatever way they need. He helps his coworkers out even when it means losing sleep or a few hours of time with his family (which are rare as is). And though I say he can be a downright grouch, it's true, he's got the softest heart a man can have... Ahem, whilst still being a man of course!
Make-up and desk items and Deeeee-licious Christmas ham aside... Baby, you're enough for all the Christmas gifts in a lifetime! Ain't nobody got what we got, baby! (At least for me!)
So Much To Do, So Little... Ooh Shiny!
So I get a little (ahem, LOT) distracted at times. Could explain the long absence from blogging, posting, writing in general. Perhaps the new hat has given me the bug what with all the technical writing and, uh, stuff. So now that I'm here, I, uh... where was I again... Oh yes! I was being distracted.
I suppose I'll catch some of you up on the happenings of my life. Both kids in preschool, BFF still working the overnight five nights a week, promotion to EMR Optimization Specialist since July 1st. Yup, it's a mouthful = preschool. Kindergarten is around the corner, when the school bus gets to take her, not Mama.Sadly it's only 2.5 days a week and I'm not going to know which days until it's way late in the game to sign my son up for preschool. Grrr schedules.
Okay, not trying to sound heartless on the kicking the kids off to school but... see comment: BFF/Overnight/five nights... Yeah that. It sucks, as in sucks the life out of our relationship. 20 minutes of talking together is a rarity and usually only happens once a week on the road to wherever the weekend takes us. PS: The weekend never takes us on dates, sans kids.
I do LOVE my babies though. I started telling Jess about a dream I had when VJ butt in with, "Yeah Mama, and then I put my superhero cape on and flew in and then Blue was there..." (stuffed monkey=bestie) He is all over the storytelling and randomness and... No idea where he gets it! {Ahh, cat's all snuggly... what? Oh typing...}
Then there's Bekah, the intelligent, thoughtful, giving, quick-witted, also conniving, jealous, greedy... Just messin'. Frailty, thy name is Bekah! I never know what's she'll say or how she'll react. One second happy and psyched out laughing then BANG tantrum like she's two again; the Earth hath shifted and she's not happy with it. Usually cured with some zero-gravity training by Daddy.
Okay, I've succeeded at creating an editor's nightmare of a blog ;) Now off to do some research for my CCD class. A student has an interest in the story of the wise men, particularly the legend of the one who couldn't make the journey. Time to investigate the... I should really do those dishes...
I suppose I'll catch some of you up on the happenings of my life. Both kids in preschool, BFF still working the overnight five nights a week, promotion to EMR Optimization Specialist since July 1st. Yup, it's a mouthful = preschool. Kindergarten is around the corner, when the school bus gets to take her, not Mama.Sadly it's only 2.5 days a week and I'm not going to know which days until it's way late in the game to sign my son up for preschool. Grrr schedules.
Okay, not trying to sound heartless on the kicking the kids off to school but... see comment: BFF/Overnight/five nights... Yeah that. It sucks, as in sucks the life out of our relationship. 20 minutes of talking together is a rarity and usually only happens once a week on the road to wherever the weekend takes us. PS: The weekend never takes us on dates, sans kids.
I do LOVE my babies though. I started telling Jess about a dream I had when VJ butt in with, "Yeah Mama, and then I put my superhero cape on and flew in and then Blue was there..." (stuffed monkey=bestie) He is all over the storytelling and randomness and... No idea where he gets it! {Ahh, cat's all snuggly... what? Oh typing...}
Then there's Bekah, the intelligent, thoughtful, giving, quick-witted, also conniving, jealous, greedy... Just messin'. Frailty, thy name is Bekah! I never know what's she'll say or how she'll react. One second happy and psyched out laughing then BANG tantrum like she's two again; the Earth hath shifted and she's not happy with it. Usually cured with some zero-gravity training by Daddy.
Okay, I've succeeded at creating an editor's nightmare of a blog ;) Now off to do some research for my CCD class. A student has an interest in the story of the wise men, particularly the legend of the one who couldn't make the journey. Time to investigate the... I should really do those dishes...
Catching up on the Right Road
My son came into the office with a cough and left with a nebulizer today. Hopefully this helps in the sleep process. Why haven't I posted in weeks? Too tired! And other minor reasons, but mostly it's a schedule thing. Seriously, the way today went, they just went to bed. Their bedtime is 7:30, like mine was as a child. Call me old fashioned but it works for us. They should at least sleep in for me tomorrow, and since it's not a school day, that's fine. School... Bekah's in kindergarten next year (eep!) and we're moving VJ to 3-day preschool. But slow down, Caroline... one year at a time, actually one month at a time, or week or day or hour... Yeah, sometimes I feel like I live hourly, even though I schedule annually.
So... How's my full plate? There's two little soccer teams I'm coaching Saturday mornings. I teach 9th grade CCD about every other Sunday night. I'm starting a Youth Ministry in our church. I up for review in my new position in work (and I feel like I've rocked the spot!) Yup, that about sums it up. Full plate, lots of emailing, lots of scheduling, lots of lots... And don't worry, I'm not dillusional. It'll get busier as the years go by. I know.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, like the road, while busy and bumpy at times, feels smooth, feels right. And look! I'm writing again! I might even start writing outside of blogs and personal rants! I won't start the old stuff again, not sure about things there still. But I will commit more time to Christ and whatever the Father has planned for me. I simply don't feel fulfilled unless I'm serving Him in some capacity. On a side note, I hope to help Jess finish his Christian studies. I can't remember if it's a ministry degree or something in religious studies, but I know he needs the time to get back to it. God always provides for us on His schedule though. If we're patient (sometimes even when we're not) He will provide as always.
I do lose myself in the DVR sometimes. Lost a few shows to series finales last spring, but there's new shows and some old... Okay, we all need a hobby... Sucker for supernatural fairy tale mysteries!
I'm Sorry I Can't Climb That Tree, There's a Branch in the Way, and By the Way, Where's the Forest
So I keep a mental running list of all the things I need to do in my off-time; running as in running away from consciousness. They range from 'go for a run/jog/walk' to 'use that massage gift card finally' to 'go clothes shopping for me sans kids' and they never happen. I even have a babysitter now and a new position at work with more money so... yeah, still hasn't happened.
I never seem to have time but really most of those things require me making time. I get frustrated at all the people for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's foolish excuses: There's a good movie on and I want to spend time with him now and he's watching it so... I should too. Sometimes it's useless blaming: I never get things done because he's always so tired... but so am I! It's not going to get me anywhere and I know it. More importantly it isn't true, not entirely. Sometimes I vent to God that I have no one to vent to... yeah, I hope I don't need to explain that one.
Bottom line, I'm the only one in my way of getting my own list of personal chores done. I'm the reason I haven't created flash cards for the kids for summer reading yet. I'm the reason I haven't worked out. I'm the reason I haven't called our babysitter more often. I'm probably the reason I haven't motivated myself too. Question is how do I hop this life obstacle.
The con of this perspective is that I'm to blame and it only brings me down in a sense. Truly it shouldn't. I should see it more 'glass-half-full' and realize that if I'm to blame then I can fix. Easier said than done. I'm working on it. If I'm the only one keeping me from doing what I want, and I'm the only one to motivate me to do what I want, then what happens when Team Me had a bad day or is sick or just plain too exhausted to move forward. A second in command would be nice.
Leads me to another 'on the list' item that I'm trying to tackle. I've been reading my Bible to clear my mind, or more like fill it with the right stuff. Sometimes I go gospel and continue in a place I left off. Sometimes I find something interesting and research it. Sometimes I do the cheesy flip through to see what opens up. Haven't done it as often as I should, but I'm getting more out of the Bible than the latest best-seller might offer (although I did like Hunger Games).
So as usual life continues to get in the way, but as in Matthew (don't ask exactly where!) Jesus warns "don't worry about what you're going to wear" and I think he might have been speaking directly to me. I've been using that particular command to keep me from, ahem, wembling too much and to just get to the task. (Thanks Fraggle Rock!) I can mount this obstacle and I'd better; there's more ahead I'm sure.
I never seem to have time but really most of those things require me making time. I get frustrated at all the people for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's foolish excuses: There's a good movie on and I want to spend time with him now and he's watching it so... I should too. Sometimes it's useless blaming: I never get things done because he's always so tired... but so am I! It's not going to get me anywhere and I know it. More importantly it isn't true, not entirely. Sometimes I vent to God that I have no one to vent to... yeah, I hope I don't need to explain that one.
Bottom line, I'm the only one in my way of getting my own list of personal chores done. I'm the reason I haven't created flash cards for the kids for summer reading yet. I'm the reason I haven't worked out. I'm the reason I haven't called our babysitter more often. I'm probably the reason I haven't motivated myself too. Question is how do I hop this life obstacle.
The con of this perspective is that I'm to blame and it only brings me down in a sense. Truly it shouldn't. I should see it more 'glass-half-full' and realize that if I'm to blame then I can fix. Easier said than done. I'm working on it. If I'm the only one keeping me from doing what I want, and I'm the only one to motivate me to do what I want, then what happens when Team Me had a bad day or is sick or just plain too exhausted to move forward. A second in command would be nice.
Leads me to another 'on the list' item that I'm trying to tackle. I've been reading my Bible to clear my mind, or more like fill it with the right stuff. Sometimes I go gospel and continue in a place I left off. Sometimes I find something interesting and research it. Sometimes I do the cheesy flip through to see what opens up. Haven't done it as often as I should, but I'm getting more out of the Bible than the latest best-seller might offer (although I did like Hunger Games).
So as usual life continues to get in the way, but as in Matthew (don't ask exactly where!) Jesus warns "don't worry about what you're going to wear" and I think he might have been speaking directly to me. I've been using that particular command to keep me from, ahem, wembling too much and to just get to the task. (Thanks Fraggle Rock!) I can mount this obstacle and I'd better; there's more ahead I'm sure.
Packing
It's been a long, long time since I've been sucked into a book. Harry Potter long. While Hunger Games has sparked my imagination again, and my adventurous side, I'm still withholding though, still keeping a safe distance, though I've played with the idea of going back. I have no idea what that would mean, nearly a year wasted in reprogramming my thinking. I've decided to press on until... I have, again, no idea what.
Meanwhile, I'm packing our camping gear (and work gear) for Creationfest 2012. This time we're taking the kids and our very own trailer. I'm excited on multiple levels about this. For one... Our Very Own Trailer!!! Childhood memories just come flooding through, along with the once fantasized idea that I'd grow up and have camping experiences in a family trailer with my husband and children someday. Now it's true! Also, we never have to rent or rely on another trailer from someone else. And, not that I'm against tents, actually I love them too, but you can keep camping equipment in the trailer full time, thereby avoiding reshuffling it all into the attic again. But our camping gear isn't limited to mere dust pans and bug spray, dishes and battery-operated fans. No we're the crazy people that like to work on vacation... on stage.
We have gear bags full of climbing harnesses, work gloves, webbing, variously sized carabiners, rope, belt loops and pouches, multi-tools, and few random items I can't fully explain like a toothbrush or an empty Listerine tab container. Thankfully I just participated in a yard sale and emptied out 4 plastic tubs of clothing, toys, and other baby items which have long lost their usefulness. Let me reiterate: I spent $30 to buy in, made $29.75, and sent 4 bins worth to Salvation Army as donations. So for all my time and effort, I spent 25 cents for 4 empty tubs. I was so glad to have the seasonal pool in our backyard because it was hot, and I'm sunburned (even though I was entirely in the shade the whole time, go figure), and I needed a dip to unwind.
The kids are still with my in-laws until tonight and Jess is napping before he starts fixing the trailer. He taught a class after his shift last night so he's overdue for sleep, as usual. I'm to get as much camping stuff packed as possible since we leave in 2 weeks and there's little time in between for that. I'm a neurotic list person, so I'm off to finish a list and check it at least 18 times before feeling satisfied. Jess should be up by then.
In the back of my mind I still wonder, what is this all working towards... I can't help but wonder...
Meanwhile, I'm packing our camping gear (and work gear) for Creationfest 2012. This time we're taking the kids and our very own trailer. I'm excited on multiple levels about this. For one... Our Very Own Trailer!!! Childhood memories just come flooding through, along with the once fantasized idea that I'd grow up and have camping experiences in a family trailer with my husband and children someday. Now it's true! Also, we never have to rent or rely on another trailer from someone else. And, not that I'm against tents, actually I love them too, but you can keep camping equipment in the trailer full time, thereby avoiding reshuffling it all into the attic again. But our camping gear isn't limited to mere dust pans and bug spray, dishes and battery-operated fans. No we're the crazy people that like to work on vacation... on stage.
We have gear bags full of climbing harnesses, work gloves, webbing, variously sized carabiners, rope, belt loops and pouches, multi-tools, and few random items I can't fully explain like a toothbrush or an empty Listerine tab container. Thankfully I just participated in a yard sale and emptied out 4 plastic tubs of clothing, toys, and other baby items which have long lost their usefulness. Let me reiterate: I spent $30 to buy in, made $29.75, and sent 4 bins worth to Salvation Army as donations. So for all my time and effort, I spent 25 cents for 4 empty tubs. I was so glad to have the seasonal pool in our backyard because it was hot, and I'm sunburned (even though I was entirely in the shade the whole time, go figure), and I needed a dip to unwind.
The kids are still with my in-laws until tonight and Jess is napping before he starts fixing the trailer. He taught a class after his shift last night so he's overdue for sleep, as usual. I'm to get as much camping stuff packed as possible since we leave in 2 weeks and there's little time in between for that. I'm a neurotic list person, so I'm off to finish a list and check it at least 18 times before feeling satisfied. Jess should be up by then.
In the back of my mind I still wonder, what is this all working towards... I can't help but wonder...
Steady On
Okay, so it's been a while since I've written. I'm the only human to have noticed but that's not the point. Either I talk to myself or I write to clear my head. There's a ton of clutter so really I should be doing both. Time for a (minute) cleaning...
Still trying to set my head straight before writing 'the book' and even before tackling Halfway to Heaven. I have managed to throw down a couple episodes of Fuzzball though. Who knows where that'll go. Waiting on crits from an editor/writer friend. Her plate's full enough so I try not to poke. In the meantime I still find myself wishing I were where I, well, a 'where' which doesn't exist. I need to stop that. On one level, it's not wrong to dream. On another level, the one to which it's all come... I need a purging and replenishing. God knows it.
My kids, now there's a good topic for story-telling. (As for the first 'story' it was too difficult to tackle with them and too muddled for me, hence Fuzzball was born.) I completely see my imagination present in both of them, especially my daughter. She has explanation upon explanation and manages to make them make some kind of sense. My son tries to too, but his are rather... confusing and scattered. I could wish for more time or energy (really it's the latter I need more), but I know it'll be a while that we're stuck with this schedule. ICK! My BFF needs to get off the night shift but there's no end in sight without cutting hours and we can't afford that!
Lighter note: we're a lot more stable financially than we were when we moved into the Love Shack. Not that we're doing great, but we're at least doing now. In fact, I was happily surprised this month to realize I get paid three times before the next mortgage is due... So I can buy my contacts before we go camping at Creationfest this year! Yay! It's the little things really.
Speaking of the little things, she wants me to paint her nails before we go to the park. Oh futility. No matter. Off I go...
Still trying to set my head straight before writing 'the book' and even before tackling Halfway to Heaven. I have managed to throw down a couple episodes of Fuzzball though. Who knows where that'll go. Waiting on crits from an editor/writer friend. Her plate's full enough so I try not to poke. In the meantime I still find myself wishing I were where I, well, a 'where' which doesn't exist. I need to stop that. On one level, it's not wrong to dream. On another level, the one to which it's all come... I need a purging and replenishing. God knows it.
My kids, now there's a good topic for story-telling. (As for the first 'story' it was too difficult to tackle with them and too muddled for me, hence Fuzzball was born.) I completely see my imagination present in both of them, especially my daughter. She has explanation upon explanation and manages to make them make some kind of sense. My son tries to too, but his are rather... confusing and scattered. I could wish for more time or energy (really it's the latter I need more), but I know it'll be a while that we're stuck with this schedule. ICK! My BFF needs to get off the night shift but there's no end in sight without cutting hours and we can't afford that!
Lighter note: we're a lot more stable financially than we were when we moved into the Love Shack. Not that we're doing great, but we're at least doing now. In fact, I was happily surprised this month to realize I get paid three times before the next mortgage is due... So I can buy my contacts before we go camping at Creationfest this year! Yay! It's the little things really.
Speaking of the little things, she wants me to paint her nails before we go to the park. Oh futility. No matter. Off I go...
Pendulum
It's not forever...
I kept telling myself that over and over again as I walked to my car in the dark, empty parking lot. Yet again my mother-in-law had brewed another drama in our family. God help me! I don't know what to do anymore. Now my husband, my best friend, my only sidekick, had accused me of whatever-it-was-this-time too. The text, whose literal content is a mute point, still had me shaking and caused chest pains. Anxiety sucks. I can't even text him back anymore, not even after the three 'sorry' texts he sent. I know he didn't mean it; I know he loves me more than that.
I just can't do it anymore. The accusations, the fake happiness, the pretend-you're-listening-when-Caroline's-talking-and-smile-and-nod looks, and the DRAMA! This woman defies everything we set for our children! She delayed their coming off bottles. She kept my daughter in pull-ups longer when we had her in underwear, she kept highchairs and sippy cups when they were in regular chairs and using regular cups or cups with lids and straws. I could deal with that little at a time. I let it slide time and time again hoping she'd allow me to explain and listen to reason, let our teaching be consistent. Still she pretended to listen and defied us. I gave up so many times I lost count. I reasoned that she was still taking good care of them and they loved their Fridays with Oakey and Yaya. How could I mess with that? I hadn't the heart... then.
What kept on happening is that she would bombard my exhausted husband, my only partner in crime, with accusations, criticisms, and mothering that, quite frankly on his schedule, he didn't need nor did he have the stamina for. Usually he sided with me, I sided with him, whatever was needed because we're a team and a team needs leaders to hold it together. Tonight was different. I got the brunt of the accusation from him. Sounded pretty personal if you read the text yourself. I was downright hurt. Barely held together for the rest of work. When the office was finally closed and I headed home, I tried to calm down and drive safely.
Jesse wasn't much better than me. I let my frustration and hurt out first since I hadn't had a turn in this blowout yet. I cried more than yelled, telling him how I felt and why instead of accusing anything back. (At least, that's how I hoped it came out.) Then we sat and tried to examine what was happening. It was easy to pick apart the little things, but the bigger picture was this: an emotionally unstable woman who we trust with our children was creating emotional havoc in our marriage. This is unacceptable, but somehow unavoidable in our current situation. We need child care on Fridays. Nancy is free and beyond that is a priceless relationship from grandparent to grandchildren. Is that worth the stress? He said he no sooner walked through the door than was attacked with accusations and such and in front of the children?!
My heart can't take it anymore! This is unacceptable! There must be another way, right? Again, God help us! I don't want to break the woman's heart, nor destroy her relationship with our kids, and I don't want to break my kids' hearts! I'm desperate for an answer as Friday comes every week and the stress level is dangerously high. My husband on his limited sleep already feels like a loser (which he is NOT!) and I feel trapped in this horrid schedule! She has no idea how hurtful she is!!
Do I cut my hours somehow and lose some benefits at work to stay home on half of Fridays. Should Jess change hours? As it happened, he talked to her tonight and she was apologetic, apparently on an up-swing of sorts, and all is well now... for now. He liked my phrasing when I said she's on probation. One more slip and Fridays are gone until she gets help. We can't dive-bomb, roller-coaster, and suddenly be all better when she's afraid of losing the kids. You know what they say about empty threats. If there's a consequence, it has to be followed through or else it won't work. Something. Has. To. Work.
I kept telling myself that over and over again as I walked to my car in the dark, empty parking lot. Yet again my mother-in-law had brewed another drama in our family. God help me! I don't know what to do anymore. Now my husband, my best friend, my only sidekick, had accused me of whatever-it-was-this-time too. The text, whose literal content is a mute point, still had me shaking and caused chest pains. Anxiety sucks. I can't even text him back anymore, not even after the three 'sorry' texts he sent. I know he didn't mean it; I know he loves me more than that.
I just can't do it anymore. The accusations, the fake happiness, the pretend-you're-listening-when-Caroline's-talking-and-smile-and-nod looks, and the DRAMA! This woman defies everything we set for our children! She delayed their coming off bottles. She kept my daughter in pull-ups longer when we had her in underwear, she kept highchairs and sippy cups when they were in regular chairs and using regular cups or cups with lids and straws. I could deal with that little at a time. I let it slide time and time again hoping she'd allow me to explain and listen to reason, let our teaching be consistent. Still she pretended to listen and defied us. I gave up so many times I lost count. I reasoned that she was still taking good care of them and they loved their Fridays with Oakey and Yaya. How could I mess with that? I hadn't the heart... then.
What kept on happening is that she would bombard my exhausted husband, my only partner in crime, with accusations, criticisms, and mothering that, quite frankly on his schedule, he didn't need nor did he have the stamina for. Usually he sided with me, I sided with him, whatever was needed because we're a team and a team needs leaders to hold it together. Tonight was different. I got the brunt of the accusation from him. Sounded pretty personal if you read the text yourself. I was downright hurt. Barely held together for the rest of work. When the office was finally closed and I headed home, I tried to calm down and drive safely.
Jesse wasn't much better than me. I let my frustration and hurt out first since I hadn't had a turn in this blowout yet. I cried more than yelled, telling him how I felt and why instead of accusing anything back. (At least, that's how I hoped it came out.) Then we sat and tried to examine what was happening. It was easy to pick apart the little things, but the bigger picture was this: an emotionally unstable woman who we trust with our children was creating emotional havoc in our marriage. This is unacceptable, but somehow unavoidable in our current situation. We need child care on Fridays. Nancy is free and beyond that is a priceless relationship from grandparent to grandchildren. Is that worth the stress? He said he no sooner walked through the door than was attacked with accusations and such and in front of the children?!
My heart can't take it anymore! This is unacceptable! There must be another way, right? Again, God help us! I don't want to break the woman's heart, nor destroy her relationship with our kids, and I don't want to break my kids' hearts! I'm desperate for an answer as Friday comes every week and the stress level is dangerously high. My husband on his limited sleep already feels like a loser (which he is NOT!) and I feel trapped in this horrid schedule! She has no idea how hurtful she is!!
Do I cut my hours somehow and lose some benefits at work to stay home on half of Fridays. Should Jess change hours? As it happened, he talked to her tonight and she was apologetic, apparently on an up-swing of sorts, and all is well now... for now. He liked my phrasing when I said she's on probation. One more slip and Fridays are gone until she gets help. We can't dive-bomb, roller-coaster, and suddenly be all better when she's afraid of losing the kids. You know what they say about empty threats. If there's a consequence, it has to be followed through or else it won't work. Something. Has. To. Work.
More of the Same
I'm fat.
Yeah I know those who know me would say, "Yeah, okay Caroline." Those who know me really well, of which I can think of one person besides myself, might say, "Well whose fault is that?" I'm not really fat, just seriously out of shape for me... and with a bigger mid-section.
That's not exactly what I'm here to blog about. I just needed to start somewhere. I can't even type like I used to: I'm looking down at the keys and backspacing all the time!!! This is going to take forever!! I'm out of every loop known to... well, known to me anyway. I can't cry about being out of the loop with things I never cared about: pop culture, music, government elections, price of tea in China (Sorry Jess). Not only have I been disconnected with work and my own family, I haven't even taken more than a worrisome thought of my own person. Plenty of worrisome, warranted or not alas, but not more. I only half care about what I eat anymore. I care to the point of "will this send me running or give me reflux" and that's about it. Snacking more, as expected, has led to the current overhang. I haven't even exercised in well over four months. Aside health, I haven't done a thing in the mom's group I'm 'in' in even longer. Schedule's too... retarded. I have about two hours Tuesdays and Thursdays and all morning Wednesdays but I usually either hang with my mom on her day off or have things to do at home (and my home's tiny so a playgroup there ain't happening). {F~@%ing backspacing!!!!} All this ho-hum is killing me. As if my hormones aren't screwed up enough. I need to find a way out of this rut!
So my dad got me this great book for Christmas about angel encounters, clueless about my state mind you. I did me well to read some real stories, get out of my own head so to speak. That's really my biggest problem and why I haven't gone back to writing, hence the backspacing, hence the depression, hence the torn emotions, hence the loss of reality, hence the cluelessness of those around me, hence the looking inconsiderate probably, hence the mind-churning... how do I explain this and then hence the lack of seeing psych. <sigh> Yeah. I don't even have social interaction to distract me. How could I? Our schedule SUCKS! I have one friend who's reached out to meet up with me, the one who'd see me delve back into the torture of self-losing writing (LUV U!!!) but that's another story. I've lived in Tewksbury a little over a year and been in the mom's group almost a year. No new friends really. I've worked at WPA for nine years shy three weeks. Don't hang with any of them outside work unless we get out super early and I miraculously have kid coverage. Now this is no dis on anyone else; at least work people have invited me places on occasion. It's somewhere between my schedule, lack of babysitter, and not having friends to start with. Oh and the no-babysitter? People say, what about all the teenagers in your neighborhood? Okay, I'll just knock door to door until someone's willing and looks okay for the job. I don't know anyone! My next-door neighbor's crazy, love her, but she's batty (though I would trust her in an emergency I should say). My diagonal neighbors are nice but always busy. We haven't exchanged numbers or connected online or anything either.
I'm so running away with this. Not like anyone reads it though so whatev. I think I have the most publicly private (or privately public?) blog there is. I remember when the depression was at its worst and Jesse told me later he had been really worried about me (which surprised me for two reasons: I didn't know he noticed and he didn't tell me he noticed). I blogged then, but I also FB'd all the time and not a soul in my contact list gave a rat's ass. Too busy updating their kid's hockey score or poeming about life or commenting on their yummy lunch or saying where the hell they are and how often they pick their damn asses. lol. I'm so not on FB anymore. I use Google+ to get social media news or techno things or the like, but I'm hardly on that too except a glance a few times a week.
So my recent fixes? I've unplugged and replugged on a different, more calming level (hence the switch). I should throw in that I was sometimes as guilty about the pointless status updates, but I don't use that outlet anymore. It was utterly fruitless. I pray now, much more and it's much more therapeutic... with answers! I'm still a bitter old bitch, with a growing mid-section to work on, but at least I can stare my issues in the face and say, "Yup, you're there. Sit tight while I deal with life and I'll figure out how to kick your butt later." I'm still stuck in a shitty schedule, but Jesse has the worst of it truthfully. Thank God I have a husband like him who can take it! I'm also trying to keep busy which for someone who likes human contact and basically has none _ sucks. This post is the longest I've been on the computer in a while. I'm trying to go back to reading or at least doing chores and then going to bed, which inevitably ends up being midnight every night anyway. I've learned to shut my mouth at work, less I talk the less the counter and the easier the day goes. "Yup my bad... okay, sure..." And I certainly don't chime in with comment like I used to when people say utterly foolish things like, "How'd he get into football if he went to a Christian college?" That was today's head slapper. Seriously, there should be a stupid board! I'm not a genius by far which leads me to believe I should have a much more rewarding job... it's like punishment sometimes! They're not all like that at all, but I swear I catch some really ridiculous moments and it's usually from the egos to boot.
Okay, I've killed enough time, and backspaced enough for one night, or week. Sometimes I think my brain is such mush I'm going to be just as dumb... I'd better get some sleep.
Yeah I know those who know me would say, "Yeah, okay Caroline." Those who know me really well, of which I can think of one person besides myself, might say, "Well whose fault is that?" I'm not really fat, just seriously out of shape for me... and with a bigger mid-section.
That's not exactly what I'm here to blog about. I just needed to start somewhere. I can't even type like I used to: I'm looking down at the keys and backspacing all the time!!! This is going to take forever!! I'm out of every loop known to... well, known to me anyway. I can't cry about being out of the loop with things I never cared about: pop culture, music, government elections, price of tea in China (Sorry Jess). Not only have I been disconnected with work and my own family, I haven't even taken more than a worrisome thought of my own person. Plenty of worrisome, warranted or not alas, but not more. I only half care about what I eat anymore. I care to the point of "will this send me running or give me reflux" and that's about it. Snacking more, as expected, has led to the current overhang. I haven't even exercised in well over four months. Aside health, I haven't done a thing in the mom's group I'm 'in' in even longer. Schedule's too... retarded. I have about two hours Tuesdays and Thursdays and all morning Wednesdays but I usually either hang with my mom on her day off or have things to do at home (and my home's tiny so a playgroup there ain't happening). {F~@%ing backspacing!!!!} All this ho-hum is killing me. As if my hormones aren't screwed up enough. I need to find a way out of this rut!
So my dad got me this great book for Christmas about angel encounters, clueless about my state mind you. I did me well to read some real stories, get out of my own head so to speak. That's really my biggest problem and why I haven't gone back to writing, hence the backspacing, hence the depression, hence the torn emotions, hence the loss of reality, hence the cluelessness of those around me, hence the looking inconsiderate probably, hence the mind-churning... how do I explain this and then hence the lack of seeing psych. <sigh> Yeah. I don't even have social interaction to distract me. How could I? Our schedule SUCKS! I have one friend who's reached out to meet up with me, the one who'd see me delve back into the torture of self-losing writing (LUV U!!!) but that's another story. I've lived in Tewksbury a little over a year and been in the mom's group almost a year. No new friends really. I've worked at WPA for nine years shy three weeks. Don't hang with any of them outside work unless we get out super early and I miraculously have kid coverage. Now this is no dis on anyone else; at least work people have invited me places on occasion. It's somewhere between my schedule, lack of babysitter, and not having friends to start with. Oh and the no-babysitter? People say, what about all the teenagers in your neighborhood? Okay, I'll just knock door to door until someone's willing and looks okay for the job. I don't know anyone! My next-door neighbor's crazy, love her, but she's batty (though I would trust her in an emergency I should say). My diagonal neighbors are nice but always busy. We haven't exchanged numbers or connected online or anything either.
I'm so running away with this. Not like anyone reads it though so whatev. I think I have the most publicly private (or privately public?) blog there is. I remember when the depression was at its worst and Jesse told me later he had been really worried about me (which surprised me for two reasons: I didn't know he noticed and he didn't tell me he noticed). I blogged then, but I also FB'd all the time and not a soul in my contact list gave a rat's ass. Too busy updating their kid's hockey score or poeming about life or commenting on their yummy lunch or saying where the hell they are and how often they pick their damn asses. lol. I'm so not on FB anymore. I use Google+ to get social media news or techno things or the like, but I'm hardly on that too except a glance a few times a week.
So my recent fixes? I've unplugged and replugged on a different, more calming level (hence the switch). I should throw in that I was sometimes as guilty about the pointless status updates, but I don't use that outlet anymore. It was utterly fruitless. I pray now, much more and it's much more therapeutic... with answers! I'm still a bitter old bitch, with a growing mid-section to work on, but at least I can stare my issues in the face and say, "Yup, you're there. Sit tight while I deal with life and I'll figure out how to kick your butt later." I'm still stuck in a shitty schedule, but Jesse has the worst of it truthfully. Thank God I have a husband like him who can take it! I'm also trying to keep busy which for someone who likes human contact and basically has none _ sucks. This post is the longest I've been on the computer in a while. I'm trying to go back to reading or at least doing chores and then going to bed, which inevitably ends up being midnight every night anyway. I've learned to shut my mouth at work, less I talk the less the counter and the easier the day goes. "Yup my bad... okay, sure..." And I certainly don't chime in with comment like I used to when people say utterly foolish things like, "How'd he get into football if he went to a Christian college?" That was today's head slapper. Seriously, there should be a stupid board! I'm not a genius by far which leads me to believe I should have a much more rewarding job... it's like punishment sometimes! They're not all like that at all, but I swear I catch some really ridiculous moments and it's usually from the egos to boot.
Okay, I've killed enough time, and backspaced enough for one night, or week. Sometimes I think my brain is such mush I'm going to be just as dumb... I'd better get some sleep.
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