What's Left

I'm due to loosen the brain (what's left of it) and flex my fingers a bit. I'm breaking from the 'book' because God knows I really need a reality check. Okay, too many directions to go in here. Ever feel like your brain is full? It's a computer and, like a computer, I'm all out of memory. I don't know if I need more hard drive space, RAM, or a faster processor, but I am full up and slowing down mentally. So what if I don't know who 'famous' people are? So what if I barely catch the news and never know what people are talking about? So what if someone I know is pregnant and I just found out... and she's nine months along. I hear some people would care about these things. I'm apparently too wrapped up in my own issues to notice or care.

Okay, just stared blankly for a minute and lost myself. See?! I don't even pay attention to myself! Talk about scatter-brained! Is anyone paying attention to how daft I am lately? I'm not talking about trying to put the silverwear away in the fridge, or walking to the kitchen and forgetting why I'm there. I mean solid brain gaps, or would that be concrete brain blocks? I don't know. Part of me does care... the small part that doesn't actually dominate the part of me that tries to do things about things. Part of me wants to whack myself upside the head and say, "Hey! Get your damned act together! There's nothing wrong with you and you know it!" Other parts say, "Who cares? Disappear into some unreality and forget about it." Have I become so complacent with trying to 'not-sweat-the-little-things' that I don't care about anything anymore? I must say my stress levels are way down, but the give-a-shit factor may have been affected as well.

Alright, let's just assume for a minute that I'm just venting at my own lack of awareness of the world around me, as in news, media, friends, family, everything. It's frustrating being the person who's clueless to everything. Those who know me know I like to be the one with something clever to say, something funny or encouraging or significant somehow. Castle. Yeah, insider. But seriously, this decline of mind has been happening long before the first mini-me started succubi-ing my insides. (There's a visual for you!) I remember looking with interest and understanding at my brother's college Calculus homework while I was a junior in high school. I remember figuring a few algorithms in my head for fictional science just for fun. I remember studying the 8 human senses out of curiosity of my own anosmia. Now I'm lucky if I complete a sentence coherently. Subject, check. Predicate, check. Forget balancing my checkbook. Zero, done. (j/k, sort of.) I just want to manage cooking more than cereal for my kids' breakfast and taking them to run a few errands without getting lost or spending too much time staring at the prices and wondering if it's worth it.

On the note of running errands, I will no longer be taking my children, or myself, to places which I do not know the way... by heart. I can't navigate like I used to either. Sucks having no friends close, let alone no friends with kids close, and really no way of getting them involved in a play group. I've become the person I can't stand: that mom who's basically incapable of life. My husband does everything, cooks, cleans, shops, fixes... I can match clothes and do laundry; that's about it lately. This has done two things for me in life: I have more time with nothing I can do (reasonably or efficiently), and I have less time to figure out how to get my act together. Pull yourself together, kid! Seriously, I can't get out of my own way! (For those even reading this and wondering: Yes, I've tried the MD route and she put me on anti-convulsents...yeah not so much, thanks.)

Okay so I'm winding down on the vent and feeling like, I dunno, I at the very least accomplished putting words together in sentence format. Yay, go me. Blog, check. So you're thinking either, "Oh, Caroline, pull yourself together and stop exaggerating!" or "Haha, very cute." or "OMG, this girl needs help! When did this all start?" Maybe something in between? Whatever. Talk to me sometime about it but I'll most likely have forgotten all about posting this. Should someone be concerned? So far, I got nothing.