Oh how I love a good rant! Who doesn't? Well, it does help to agree with the rant and even more so to be said ranter, but there's something of an art to being a seasoned ranter, one like the late <sniffle> Andy Rooney.
He made everyone smile with his words, his perspective. He put simple things into plain terms and made us consider ourselves and the things we do on a regular basis a little differently. It wasn't meant to be philosophical I don't think, just an opinion worth mentioning and thinking about. Why do we have so many watches? Why do we pay for all the comforts of travel when the ride is only an hour, but still complain about the price? Why do we keep things we'll never need but can't quite throw them away. I can't do the man justice on ranting or even pointing out the simple things we might overlook in life, and I wonder if he ever even considered himself a ranter rather than an opinionated person or question-maker in some cases. I will, however, attempt my own blurb on my opinions, my qualms in life, and hope to somehow make someone think. I can't promise anything good.
I recently took a hiatus from the ever-popular Facebook having had enough of settings being changed without my permission, unwanted emails, constant 'image' changes, etc. I thought I really spend too much time reading statuses like "just fed the cat" or "traveling to sunny Cali again!" or "if you think your life is awful, just read below..." and such things. Really, I only joined to stay updated with friends and family, not to read about someone's inner thoughts or to hear about day-to-day activities. I don't care how often someone with a cold blows his or her nose. I don't want to repost your sentiments and I don't care to read your thought-provoking song lyrics. Now I'm not even going into the games notifications (most of which I had disabled although they spit out more games a week than the illegals spit out kids in America), but I'd say I only cared about 3% of what I read unless it was personally to my wall or in a Facebook email. I commented on some posts which were funny or Bruins related or weather related. I sent birthday or condolences or congratulations as appropriate. I began to realize, however, that I was no better. My posts went from dangerously depressing when I was totally bummed out on life and stressed (may I add that no one, except perhaps my husband, ever commented on those) to excitedly cheering on the Bruins (sometimes play-by-play) to cute or witty kid stories and/or pictures of the, er, cherubs of mine. I was indeed a hypocrite and I did not like it one bit!
So, after checking out the invite to Google+ from my brother, I decided to try just that. People I found interesting were on it and I liked the whole 'circles' thing where you could decide which group of people to read about. I posted a hiatus on Facebook and moved to Google+ and soon didn't spend more than a few minutes on the computer every couple days. People had my email which I get on my phone, and my phone number to call or text. If I was needed, or missed, I could be found. I'd like to say that people thought I fell off the face of the earth but really no one even noticed. I missed parties, general social news, and tons of pictures and gossip. Okay, I'll admit I didn't 'miss' any of it per se, but I was bummed that no one, not even a few good friends, ever noticed that I wasn't around.
Are we so plugged in that we're so impersonal? Does anyone ever pick up the phone anymore? What happened to, "Hey I haven't heard from So-and-so in a while..." Perhaps this is simply a kink in the computer age, but it's a pretty big one. It's like we've been dehumanized. I think if I stopped showing up to work people would miss me, some people would miss me not just because I wasn't pulling my weight at the office. I think if I stopped calling my mother, which sometimes there's been unintentional stretches, she'd call me to see what's up. I know my kids would care if I wasn't around; they'd be devastated! I sadly cannot say this of any online friends, which is what I'll call those I don't see daily, or even weekly, but with whom I still have some kind of connection. Dropping from the online world proved one solid point: I don't make a dent of a difference in it.
Well, I'm rechecking in with ole' Face Book again and this time, as with Google+, I'm not spending more than a few minutes every couple of days on it. If I need a friend, I'll call someone. If I need to express something unimportant but stressful at the time, I may post. If I'm needed by anyone, rare, I have a phone. I'm no longer slave to the online world. I'm also no longer relying on connections in that manner to find kinship in any way unless personally directed at me. What is it anyway that drives us to connect with a lit screen, a world in which we can both hide and express ourselves? Or is that all it is? The ability to hide and express at the same time? I'm not sure what Andy Rooney would have to say about all that, but I'm sure he'd have plenty of people listening. As for me, I just had to rant for Andy Rooney.
Yards for Sale!
Well, I was going to add more photos but this one took about 25 minutes to load... hmmm, Network errors? Anyway, I spent my time perusing the yard sale tips and tricks articles on the web and feel a little more (and a little less) prepared for our big mom's group yard sale Saturday. Now since I've forgotten my original blogging intents, I'll yak about that. :)
I was and still am psyched to be doing this. (I pause to laugh because I typed 'psycho' at first.) I can't wait to get rid of all the baby stuff! And other random stuff too but mostly the big things like the two strollers taking up a chunk of the basement. It'll also be nice to make some $$$ but I'm not going to guess and figure this early on. I checked out those 'tips' sites and realized my to-do list needs shifting. Don't use a money box... so.... Yeah... I started making signs but as I saw a sight with images of good and bad yard sale signs and thought maybe doing all posterboard isn't the way to go. My next-door neighbor has some old shelves she's getting rid of... could use those boards...
Now I wonder if I have enough tables to share. I think my stuff might take up about 3 plus what I can get on the ground. I need to label things/prices and get a general inventory going so I know things were paid for and appropriately. I also might offer to share the dot stickers Jess picked up for me. They might help us know when something bog has been paid for.
My mind is walking through an imaginary yard sale and I'm already overwhelmed. I'm going to dedicate tomorrow night to getting a plan together. Tonight I need to dedicate to showering and sleeping... mostly the latter.
Catching up on catching up
It's been a little longer than I'd like since my last blog. It's like the old journal days... diary starts, going well, forgotten about; another starts, going okay, forgotten; year later another journal, soon forgotten as well. I've even forgotten about the letters to my kids I'd started. Really should get back to that. Seriously I've had a thousand journals and probably 8-10 currently on my desk. At least for now I have only one online log... for now...
Few things to mention. First, we've discovered our shack is the place all the cool cats want to be. Literally, all of Shadow's family keeps visiting this house looking for her and rubbing up against us and wondering what it's like inside. Kinda funny if you think about the cat conversation:
Shadow: Hey guys, you should see my pad. I have my own water fountain! Plus whenever I go inside, I get a kitty treat!
Elsie: I have to live with a dog!
Shadow's brother and sister are currently hanging out on our front steps while she sits by a window barely noticing. Is she a snob too?
She's the best cat, and that's saying something from me who happens to be a dog fan. I took the kids on a little jaunt around the small block across from our house. Shadow looked perplexed at the wondering of her lit'uns without a stroller or wagon. She followed us the whole way around!
Next Godin family fun fact: Jess and I are in love... with those little frozen pie shells! We've made quiche, chicken pot pies, and pumpkin pies, all single serving each. You better believe they'll be torts in our future this Christmas!
Further on the clean-up agenda: gate's gone from the laundry room for a few reasons. One, cat's getting bigger and got stuck a few times. Two, we're sick of tripping over/through it. Three, the kids are basically old enough to keep out of trouble, although VJ now has full access to the cheese balls. Also, rearranging toys and donating/selling baby stuff. Yard Sale Oct. 15th with the mom's group!!!Wish us money!!!
Now go figure that the ACs come out of the window and the temp rises with humidity. Hello Murphy? Get bent! Oh well, we survived a while with no ACs so a week or two now won't kill us. Think of the money saved on heat, not that we're currently paying the oil bill. <$$$ sux!>
Well, pumpkin and apple picking are complete, pictures uploaded for those on Google+ or who know our personal site. Can't wait to go through this fall/winter season with the kids older now! And I will try to keep blogging, but no promises! :)
Few things to mention. First, we've discovered our shack is the place all the cool cats want to be. Literally, all of Shadow's family keeps visiting this house looking for her and rubbing up against us and wondering what it's like inside. Kinda funny if you think about the cat conversation:
Shadow: Hey guys, you should see my pad. I have my own water fountain! Plus whenever I go inside, I get a kitty treat!
Elsie: I have to live with a dog!
Shadow's brother and sister are currently hanging out on our front steps while she sits by a window barely noticing. Is she a snob too?
She's the best cat, and that's saying something from me who happens to be a dog fan. I took the kids on a little jaunt around the small block across from our house. Shadow looked perplexed at the wondering of her lit'uns without a stroller or wagon. She followed us the whole way around!
Next Godin family fun fact: Jess and I are in love... with those little frozen pie shells! We've made quiche, chicken pot pies, and pumpkin pies, all single serving each. You better believe they'll be torts in our future this Christmas!
Further on the clean-up agenda: gate's gone from the laundry room for a few reasons. One, cat's getting bigger and got stuck a few times. Two, we're sick of tripping over/through it. Three, the kids are basically old enough to keep out of trouble, although VJ now has full access to the cheese balls. Also, rearranging toys and donating/selling baby stuff. Yard Sale Oct. 15th with the mom's group!!!Wish us money!!!
Now go figure that the ACs come out of the window and the temp rises with humidity. Hello Murphy? Get bent! Oh well, we survived a while with no ACs so a week or two now won't kill us. Think of the money saved on heat, not that we're currently paying the oil bill. <$$$ sux!>
Well, pumpkin and apple picking are complete, pictures uploaded for those on Google+ or who know our personal site. Can't wait to go through this fall/winter season with the kids older now! And I will try to keep blogging, but no promises! :)
Moving on with Moving in
This weekend I found myself on my knees, surrounded in filth, bent into one of the lowest, unseen and unexplored regions... of my house. Yup, under the couch and in the basement. Under the couch I found enough toys to fill two plus buckets from their toy shelf, including three disgustingly dirty bugs (eyes missing on one but pipe-cleaners intact on all!) and several partial Easter eggs (the plastic kind), plus trucks, dolls, "doctor" kit stuff, Legos, and tons more I can't recall just now. As for the basement, well, let's just say it's like we hadn't been living here over 10 months yet.
So, shelves went up in the bedroom (and we now have printer access!), the bathroom (kitty's litter box no longer near her food), the laundry room, and basement which we were finally able to unpack. Now, it's a short basement so the shelf building and installation is another story, one for the BFF to tell I believe but it involved back-breaking feats of futility in part and eventual success. In other organizing news, we now have a portable closet downstairs to keep our dressy clothes as they literally hang over the shelves we have in the closet. So glad that's accessible now!
Where were the lit'uns in all this madness? With family! Yay! Time to do some clean-up, shelf-building, and organizing... and more cleaning! We're not even done but we did so much, including going out to dinner Friday night and bowling with a friend. We came home at 1AM Saturday morning for the first time in years, at least three! We did get to spend some time with them today, Labor Day, going to the zoo in Boston, so we didn't completely neglect them. ;)
We have so much more to do but who knows when the next opportunity will be? We can at least piece meal the rest as it doesn't involve as much up and down the dangerous stairs or pulling out a box of What-the-heck-is-that? or exposing ourselves to material that may or may not be hazardous. God only knows, we could get deathly ill in the next week or so. Did I mention previously that the house was built in 1929?
Be that as it may, we've come to a good resting place and I'm so grateful to the family who pitched in to watch the kids. They even slept over two of the nights which was a humongous help!! Plus they had an amazing time with their awesome aunt and uncle!!
Well, work never ceases and it's getting late. Back to laundry, dishes, baking, and whatever other chores we've set out to accomplish tonight. Mayhaps sleep will conclude? Tomorrow, it's back to the grime.
So, shelves went up in the bedroom (and we now have printer access!), the bathroom (kitty's litter box no longer near her food), the laundry room, and basement which we were finally able to unpack. Now, it's a short basement so the shelf building and installation is another story, one for the BFF to tell I believe but it involved back-breaking feats of futility in part and eventual success. In other organizing news, we now have a portable closet downstairs to keep our dressy clothes as they literally hang over the shelves we have in the closet. So glad that's accessible now!
Where were the lit'uns in all this madness? With family! Yay! Time to do some clean-up, shelf-building, and organizing... and more cleaning! We're not even done but we did so much, including going out to dinner Friday night and bowling with a friend. We came home at 1AM Saturday morning for the first time in years, at least three! We did get to spend some time with them today, Labor Day, going to the zoo in Boston, so we didn't completely neglect them. ;)
We have so much more to do but who knows when the next opportunity will be? We can at least piece meal the rest as it doesn't involve as much up and down the dangerous stairs or pulling out a box of What-the-heck-is-that? or exposing ourselves to material that may or may not be hazardous. God only knows, we could get deathly ill in the next week or so. Did I mention previously that the house was built in 1929?
Be that as it may, we've come to a good resting place and I'm so grateful to the family who pitched in to watch the kids. They even slept over two of the nights which was a humongous help!! Plus they had an amazing time with their awesome aunt and uncle!!
Well, work never ceases and it's getting late. Back to laundry, dishes, baking, and whatever other chores we've set out to accomplish tonight. Mayhaps sleep will conclude? Tomorrow, it's back to the grime.
Ode to True Love: Happy Anniversary
Once upon a time... Actually about ten years ago, I went to a Christian festival called The Inside Out Soul Festival (now www.thesoulfest.com) on my own. I knew little to nothing about Christian Rock and had never worked a stage before in my life. God willing, entirely, I got on crew. I met so many people, two of whom have become family, many I still love today.
This was July 31, 2001, and on August 3rd, I declared I to my new friends that I, the aspiring photographer and adventurer that I was, would hike to the top of Loon Mountain at midnight and await the sunrise. Shockingly, no one wanted to come with me. Yet, behold! Jesse, mild-mannered (okay, thick-tempered at times) introvert, sees this foolishly outgoing girl ready to throw herself into the wilderness alone and speaks up, "I'll go." In hind-sight, I think the group may have smirked and taken an additional step back at the invitation. Honestly babe, in your head were saying, "WTF did I just agree to?!"
Well, the whole story is written out elsewhere, but that night Jess was my hero and still is today. We married five years later, August 12th, and I think we're more in love now than before. Cheesy yes, but true. I've already got my daughter saying that Daddy is Mama's best friend and that's the kind of person she should marry. My son, well, right now wants to marry either hockey or a motorcycle.
So buck up all you lonely-hearted! True Love still exists today! And buck up all you tiredly-married! It can still be what it was or something else, good and new and happy! And carry on all you Love Birds! I do have friends out there who are still in love years later! Raise your glass to True Love my friends! And I also raise mine to the love of my life, Jesse! No other guy could put up with me, nor could another have held my heart so long ;)
This was July 31, 2001, and on August 3rd, I declared I to my new friends that I, the aspiring photographer and adventurer that I was, would hike to the top of Loon Mountain at midnight and await the sunrise. Shockingly, no one wanted to come with me. Yet, behold! Jesse, mild-mannered (okay, thick-tempered at times) introvert, sees this foolishly outgoing girl ready to throw herself into the wilderness alone and speaks up, "I'll go." In hind-sight, I think the group may have smirked and taken an additional step back at the invitation. Honestly babe, in your head were saying, "WTF did I just agree to?!"
Well, the whole story is written out elsewhere, but that night Jess was my hero and still is today. We married five years later, August 12th, and I think we're more in love now than before. Cheesy yes, but true. I've already got my daughter saying that Daddy is Mama's best friend and that's the kind of person she should marry. My son, well, right now wants to marry either hockey or a motorcycle.
So buck up all you lonely-hearted! True Love still exists today! And buck up all you tiredly-married! It can still be what it was or something else, good and new and happy! And carry on all you Love Birds! I do have friends out there who are still in love years later! Raise your glass to True Love my friends! And I also raise mine to the love of my life, Jesse! No other guy could put up with me, nor could another have held my heart so long ;)
Feeling the Beat
We all need a little more Tobymac and Peter Fuller in our lives. Take it from someone who knows the power of positive thought. I had some pretty nasty 'down' times (and still have them occasionally) but I came through with prayer and focus on the positive. No grubby little status post of how much life sucks helped (although it did feel good to vent that way) nor did stewing to myself and reminiscing on all my problems and stress. No, seriously the best thing to pick yourself out of a stoop (besides having an amazing BFF <3!) is to plug into some positivity! I like 108 and 90-whatever the frequency is now, but jamming to the upbeats of Christian Rock really gets me in the right place.
I was bummed when we couldn't even make it to Soulfest (www.thesoulfest.com) for even a day visit, but it was heartening to see everyone's updates through social networks through load-in, during, and through load-out. I saw some friends pick up their usual banter into positive words, others simply proclaimed the joy of being there, and yet others gave thanks to each other for the generous work that made the event happen. I must say Jess and I had an amazing experience at Creation with Ron, but Soulfest, no matter what life brings, will always be our alma mater. I hope someday our children can experience that.
Yet even when I'm far from those wonderful Christian events and people, the beat lives on when I simply plug in a CD with worship or praise or any message that strums Christian values. I need only sing along to Toby or Jars or Newsboys or Peter to feel what I need to feel which contrary to what's felt everywhere else in the world: I belong and it feels good!
The world of music has its ups and downs in terms of lyrics and messages. We can only pray our children find the positive beat in the roller coaster of sounds as they grow. We Christians don't belong to the world; we belong to Christ and we are only here to minister to those who will listen. Make a good sound my friends.
God Bless.
I was bummed when we couldn't even make it to Soulfest (www.thesoulfest.com) for even a day visit, but it was heartening to see everyone's updates through social networks through load-in, during, and through load-out. I saw some friends pick up their usual banter into positive words, others simply proclaimed the joy of being there, and yet others gave thanks to each other for the generous work that made the event happen. I must say Jess and I had an amazing experience at Creation with Ron, but Soulfest, no matter what life brings, will always be our alma mater. I hope someday our children can experience that.
Yet even when I'm far from those wonderful Christian events and people, the beat lives on when I simply plug in a CD with worship or praise or any message that strums Christian values. I need only sing along to Toby or Jars or Newsboys or Peter to feel what I need to feel which contrary to what's felt everywhere else in the world: I belong and it feels good!
The world of music has its ups and downs in terms of lyrics and messages. We can only pray our children find the positive beat in the roller coaster of sounds as they grow. We Christians don't belong to the world; we belong to Christ and we are only here to minister to those who will listen. Make a good sound my friends.
God Bless.
Size Matters... At Least Sometimes
We, as humans, generally like things to fit, right? From shoes to jobs, we like things to fit just right, or at least good enough. I've certainly bought of pair of sneakers I loved even though they didn't have my exact size. Of course sometimes we have to make do with what we've got. For example, I'm sitting at my desk (which is about 30" high) on a little ottoman from the living room which serves as the only chair I've got (that will fit) and it's only about a foot high. Hooray for laptops! Although uploading photos to the iMac does get a bit cramping as that doesn't fit on my lap.Well we haven't had the time to reconfigure the living room to fit the desk top to get it off my desk and there just isn't room for a computer chair in our bedroom. I just have to make do, which is fine.
I feel like I'm always making do or making adjustments. My husband and I are not the same size. He's a decent height and broad-shouldered while I'm rather average for a woman in terms of height. We always have to readjust the straps on backpacks and diaper bags. I can't stand it hanging down my butt while he can't get his arms in after I've used them. I also have a hard time readjusting the mirrors in the truck, which I seldom drive. I have to reach so I'm off the seat to adjust the mirror and by the time I'm settled again it may or may not be where I want it yet. I also have to lift my heel off the floor to press the break all the way, but I'd be too close to the steering wheel if I moved close enough to not have to do that. The truck is simply not my size. I love my little car, though I'll admit we could use a slightly larger vehicle given the two kids and all we do. If only our budget fit that size requirement.
As for fitting into things like situations, how many jobs do people hold before they find longevity? I lost count of my jobs from high school till now, but there were a fair amount of trades involved before I found my current job. Even with it, Jesse and I had several schedule changes before we found the right fit between the two of us (in order to not need daycare, which also didn't fit the budget). It still isn't what we wanted but it works for now.
I never would have imagined myself in a house as tiny as we have, but I love the Love Shack! I've been saying lately that it's a good thing the house isn't any bigger because I already lose things on a regular basis and have a hard time keeping it clean. It's simply the perfect fit for us. That's another thing: I thought I'd found a good fit in men a couple times but when I found Jesse I knew I didn't want to do any more shopping around. Awww... Isn't that romantic? In all seriousness, it's true. We're honest-to-God best friends and there's no better fit.
Sure there's times when I wish I could reach above the fridge, or that the trunk of my car fit the double stroller a little more easily, or that we didn't have to stretch the budget so thin just to take the kids on an outing to the beach. We need one of those portable zipper closets to keep our dress clothes in the basement since there's no room upstairs. We play around with ideas for the kids' room when they get too old to share a bedroom, whenever that will be. What if we don't have the ability to expand and add a floor with more bedrooms? For now, they love sharing. Besides, what can we do right now? We have to make do with what we have.
Well, I've expended my night and still haven't folded laundry. That's a job the size of which I wouldn't mind cutting down. I guess I'll have to put my little laptop aside, shut down the desktop, and get folding. Hopefully I'll get a long, restful sleep tonight, a good fit for what the day brings tomorrow.
I feel like I'm always making do or making adjustments. My husband and I are not the same size. He's a decent height and broad-shouldered while I'm rather average for a woman in terms of height. We always have to readjust the straps on backpacks and diaper bags. I can't stand it hanging down my butt while he can't get his arms in after I've used them. I also have a hard time readjusting the mirrors in the truck, which I seldom drive. I have to reach so I'm off the seat to adjust the mirror and by the time I'm settled again it may or may not be where I want it yet. I also have to lift my heel off the floor to press the break all the way, but I'd be too close to the steering wheel if I moved close enough to not have to do that. The truck is simply not my size. I love my little car, though I'll admit we could use a slightly larger vehicle given the two kids and all we do. If only our budget fit that size requirement.
As for fitting into things like situations, how many jobs do people hold before they find longevity? I lost count of my jobs from high school till now, but there were a fair amount of trades involved before I found my current job. Even with it, Jesse and I had several schedule changes before we found the right fit between the two of us (in order to not need daycare, which also didn't fit the budget). It still isn't what we wanted but it works for now.
I never would have imagined myself in a house as tiny as we have, but I love the Love Shack! I've been saying lately that it's a good thing the house isn't any bigger because I already lose things on a regular basis and have a hard time keeping it clean. It's simply the perfect fit for us. That's another thing: I thought I'd found a good fit in men a couple times but when I found Jesse I knew I didn't want to do any more shopping around. Awww... Isn't that romantic? In all seriousness, it's true. We're honest-to-God best friends and there's no better fit.
Sure there's times when I wish I could reach above the fridge, or that the trunk of my car fit the double stroller a little more easily, or that we didn't have to stretch the budget so thin just to take the kids on an outing to the beach. We need one of those portable zipper closets to keep our dress clothes in the basement since there's no room upstairs. We play around with ideas for the kids' room when they get too old to share a bedroom, whenever that will be. What if we don't have the ability to expand and add a floor with more bedrooms? For now, they love sharing. Besides, what can we do right now? We have to make do with what we have.
Well, I've expended my night and still haven't folded laundry. That's a job the size of which I wouldn't mind cutting down. I guess I'll have to put my little laptop aside, shut down the desktop, and get folding. Hopefully I'll get a long, restful sleep tonight, a good fit for what the day brings tomorrow.
Do you have any idea who I AM?
So a coworker was asking me about my vacation and I mentioned Creation Festival which is a Christian festival which my friends all well know is more my passion than any other work I've ever done. Then she asked, "So how was your Christian... camp...?"
Let's get a few things straight: A Christian Festival does not mean we all hold hands and sing gay lovey songs and clap and wield our bibles around in some flowery, dainty little show of affection to God. I told her it was a festival of music, like... a music festival <shock face!> and we aren't all hands-in-the-air lunatics. We're music fanatics who use the medium to express Christian values. Many of us even grimace at the crazy-heads who skip around trying to save the saved... okay, All of us grimace at that kind. There's TONS of genres of Christian music. Pop, rap, reggae, metal, grunge... you name it! She was shocked. I was pleased. Conversation ended.
Before I am anything else, I am a Christian. I am not a good prayer. I am no good at Bible knowledge. I suck at times as a mother/daughter/friend/wife/etc. But what makes me more human is that I know it's okay because I have a God Who Loves me regardless and will lift me up and put me right back in place... sometimes painfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes desperately. I know I can do better and I'm so hard on myself sometimes, but as depressed as I've ever been I've always known one thing without any doubt in any fiber of my being. The time in this world is short - nothing - compared to eternity. And because I have a God who loves me, as long as I continue to turn to Him in any situation, I don't have to work for it. He's already done all the work, all the Bloodshed, all the Sacrificing, all the Suffering. Mock me, shake your head, wonder at my faith, my words of certainty which many doubt. Fine. I'm so used to it. I know where I'm going.
So to those in the world, primping your hair and wasting money on your looks and caring about gossip and who does what for a living: Are you sure you have your priorities straight? Is your Gucci bag coming to the next life with you. Or a more short-term question: will it help you satisfy yourself and your self-image. If the answer is yes then you're missing the point. Often the things people see and hear and taste and touch miss the point.
We look to the horizon and long ago thought it was the edge of the world. We finally learned how to sail beyond and saw more than we'd ever imagined. Then we learned how to fly and saw another horizon. Soon we learned how to soar higher until we got the whole picture: the Earth, a sphere of life, held together by means we were barely discovering! Think we know much more than the horizon of our souls yet? Doubt it. For me, I'd like to place my trust in Someone Who Knows all about it.
Christianity isn't some silly little phase of humanity. It isn't some cute little gathering where we all cry about our little feelings in the big mean world. It's certainly not just a bunch of limitations and rules to punish people and control people. All those kinds of people are, again, missing the point. Christianity is putting your heart on Jesus and knowing that He'll guide you through this life and into the next. It's knowing that He's been there and knows the way and goes before you to prepare it. It's raw, unadulterated, unfiltered LOVE. It's about a God Who became Man and Bled and Died for us. That's not frilly people! That's solid heart-wrenching!
So for those who think our cute little Christian fests are a waste of time and the music is some quaint little love song with boring repetitious ballads and choir-like backgrounds, check out some Tobymac or Newboys or Jars of Clay. Yes there are melodic praise songs, but listen to the words and compare them to the crap lyrics on secular radio. What do you want your child singing along to?
_Stepping off the soapbox now._
Let's get a few things straight: A Christian Festival does not mean we all hold hands and sing gay lovey songs and clap and wield our bibles around in some flowery, dainty little show of affection to God. I told her it was a festival of music, like... a music festival <shock face!> and we aren't all hands-in-the-air lunatics. We're music fanatics who use the medium to express Christian values. Many of us even grimace at the crazy-heads who skip around trying to save the saved... okay, All of us grimace at that kind. There's TONS of genres of Christian music. Pop, rap, reggae, metal, grunge... you name it! She was shocked. I was pleased. Conversation ended.
Before I am anything else, I am a Christian. I am not a good prayer. I am no good at Bible knowledge. I suck at times as a mother/daughter/friend/wife/etc. But what makes me more human is that I know it's okay because I have a God Who Loves me regardless and will lift me up and put me right back in place... sometimes painfully, sometimes begrudgingly, sometimes desperately. I know I can do better and I'm so hard on myself sometimes, but as depressed as I've ever been I've always known one thing without any doubt in any fiber of my being. The time in this world is short - nothing - compared to eternity. And because I have a God who loves me, as long as I continue to turn to Him in any situation, I don't have to work for it. He's already done all the work, all the Bloodshed, all the Sacrificing, all the Suffering. Mock me, shake your head, wonder at my faith, my words of certainty which many doubt. Fine. I'm so used to it. I know where I'm going.
So to those in the world, primping your hair and wasting money on your looks and caring about gossip and who does what for a living: Are you sure you have your priorities straight? Is your Gucci bag coming to the next life with you. Or a more short-term question: will it help you satisfy yourself and your self-image. If the answer is yes then you're missing the point. Often the things people see and hear and taste and touch miss the point.
We look to the horizon and long ago thought it was the edge of the world. We finally learned how to sail beyond and saw more than we'd ever imagined. Then we learned how to fly and saw another horizon. Soon we learned how to soar higher until we got the whole picture: the Earth, a sphere of life, held together by means we were barely discovering! Think we know much more than the horizon of our souls yet? Doubt it. For me, I'd like to place my trust in Someone Who Knows all about it.
Christianity isn't some silly little phase of humanity. It isn't some cute little gathering where we all cry about our little feelings in the big mean world. It's certainly not just a bunch of limitations and rules to punish people and control people. All those kinds of people are, again, missing the point. Christianity is putting your heart on Jesus and knowing that He'll guide you through this life and into the next. It's knowing that He's been there and knows the way and goes before you to prepare it. It's raw, unadulterated, unfiltered LOVE. It's about a God Who became Man and Bled and Died for us. That's not frilly people! That's solid heart-wrenching!
So for those who think our cute little Christian fests are a waste of time and the music is some quaint little love song with boring repetitious ballads and choir-like backgrounds, check out some Tobymac or Newboys or Jars of Clay. Yes there are melodic praise songs, but listen to the words and compare them to the crap lyrics on secular radio. What do you want your child singing along to?
_Stepping off the soapbox now._
What bugs you?
Hunkered down in my stance, eyes darting across the room for my foe, I tighten my grip, ready to twitch at any moment and swing... at another damned housefly! I love those electric racket thingies! Thanks Joe and Phyllis, yup, we still use it!
So we're dealing with the humidity, heat, and bugs-bugs-BUGS!!! We're killing spiders, ants (not much), silver fish (ewe!), and house flies! Those effers take 12 electrocutions to get stunned, then we smash them! I love the cool evenings of summer or early spring, I love the beautiful sun and beach weather by day, I hate the bugs. Okay, I don't loathe them so much as don't want them in my living space.
Bekah freaks with bugs. I mean freaks. Has to be calmed down and everything.We've been trying to teach her to not be afraid by going on bug hunts and learning about the different kinds. She's coming along slowly. Let's be clear though, I am not afraid of the germ-carrying, disgusting, creepy, mini-scum.
On a lighter note: Shadow hunts bugs. One more reason to heart that kitty big time!
Next blog: hopefully not so boring and ranty ;)
So we're dealing with the humidity, heat, and bugs-bugs-BUGS!!! We're killing spiders, ants (not much), silver fish (ewe!), and house flies! Those effers take 12 electrocutions to get stunned, then we smash them! I love the cool evenings of summer or early spring, I love the beautiful sun and beach weather by day, I hate the bugs. Okay, I don't loathe them so much as don't want them in my living space.
Bekah freaks with bugs. I mean freaks. Has to be calmed down and everything.We've been trying to teach her to not be afraid by going on bug hunts and learning about the different kinds. She's coming along slowly. Let's be clear though, I am not afraid of the germ-carrying, disgusting, creepy, mini-scum.
On a lighter note: Shadow hunts bugs. One more reason to heart that kitty big time!
Next blog: hopefully not so boring and ranty ;)
Creation 2011
Where to begin...
I'll keep it simple for now and just type about the trip portion of going to Creation Festival Northeast. The non-stop road trip is supposed to take about 8.25 hours or so, but of course we had stops so it basically took all day. All day in a truck with the BFF and our good friend Ron Dunbar meant some serious belly laughs. Needless to say it all started out well... um, despite our navigator misdirecting us once... ahem, sorry boys!
We set up camp with some difficulty as the pop-up camper was, er, a bit elderly. Let's just say the Viking was on her last leg and final voyage. Cable snapped, door broke, wouldn't level right, and we used a block of wood and strapping to hold one of the corners up. Love having a handy hubby!
Day two I lost my sunblock. Bought more later. Day three I lost my Leatherman, but I got it back two days later. Friday I had a wardrobe malfunction which resulted in immediate and unwarranted air conditioning. Yeeaaahhhh... and I was on shift that night, but Jesse walked back up the hill with me and back before the next set change. That night was the craziest strike I'd ever done... well, debatable but it's up there. Dear Skillet, please get lighter materials when building your spinning, moving, elevated drum riser. Thanks. Love, all the volunteer stage crew you ever encounter.
But did I have fun. Yes, oh yes. Great shows true, awesome people of course, and What A Crowd! The sheer proportions... the way everything shut down for lunch and dinner and the main speakers. People actually gathered for the speakers and paid attention, and they were great!
There's so much more to say but it's late and we're all tired and I have photos to upload. I will certainly try to attend next year as well and we're considering taking the kids too. Any takers? Amazing experience! Worth the trip!
God Bless!
I'll keep it simple for now and just type about the trip portion of going to Creation Festival Northeast. The non-stop road trip is supposed to take about 8.25 hours or so, but of course we had stops so it basically took all day. All day in a truck with the BFF and our good friend Ron Dunbar meant some serious belly laughs. Needless to say it all started out well... um, despite our navigator misdirecting us once... ahem, sorry boys!
We set up camp with some difficulty as the pop-up camper was, er, a bit elderly. Let's just say the Viking was on her last leg and final voyage. Cable snapped, door broke, wouldn't level right, and we used a block of wood and strapping to hold one of the corners up. Love having a handy hubby!
Day two I lost my sunblock. Bought more later. Day three I lost my Leatherman, but I got it back two days later. Friday I had a wardrobe malfunction which resulted in immediate and unwarranted air conditioning. Yeeaaahhhh... and I was on shift that night, but Jesse walked back up the hill with me and back before the next set change. That night was the craziest strike I'd ever done... well, debatable but it's up there. Dear Skillet, please get lighter materials when building your spinning, moving, elevated drum riser. Thanks. Love, all the volunteer stage crew you ever encounter.
But did I have fun. Yes, oh yes. Great shows true, awesome people of course, and What A Crowd! The sheer proportions... the way everything shut down for lunch and dinner and the main speakers. People actually gathered for the speakers and paid attention, and they were great!
There's so much more to say but it's late and we're all tired and I have photos to upload. I will certainly try to attend next year as well and we're considering taking the kids too. Any takers? Amazing experience! Worth the trip!
God Bless!
Do You Know Where Your Instincts Are?
Okay, I imagine myself as a fairly intelligent person. I can spell words over five letters, though I always wondered why vomiting has only one 't.' I can balance a checkbook. I can even manage new recipes with overly curious and too-zealous-to-cook toddlers tagging along. So do I blame the recent 'Oh Shit!' moments of 'Duh?' on lack of sleep or poor sleep or some mental erosion of the thought process? I'd like to think I could still act in an emergency, at least adequately enough to avoid harm to myself or those around me... I'd like to think...
So last week I brought the kids to Spring Brooks Park in Bedford. We're in the wading pool area and there's a mom with a bunch of kids around 3-5 and one 15 month-old. Yeah... Don't worry; everyone was okay. She parenting the 3-year-old when a woman yells from across (across!) the water, "Oh my God! Is he okay?!"
I'm 3 feet from the little one who's face down in the water with his little feet scrambling to grab the bottom. It's only about 18 inches deep at this point. I stared; in my mind I stuttered with what action to take.
Pick him up you idiot!
His mother crossed twice the distance (yes, she was that distant) and grabbed him. He was panicked but perfectly fine. She was astounded it even happened. I didn't know who to slap first. Thank God for the infant instinct to hold one's breath when water hits one's face. It's how those diehard swim instructors train 6 month-olds to swim.
Okay, I'm not too hard on myself for that non-reaction, but I'd have thought I'd have done better. I think what held me back was, "Oh, he'll freak if a stranger picks him up." Any thought besides Pick him up! is stupid really but I was over it soon enough. After all, it was one event. Well, then today happened.
I was cooking breakfast, scrambled eggs (might've had a few brain cells in the pan), when I noticed a little smoke. Looked like something was burning off the element. Lifted to check because what if it was something bigger, right? Nope, nothing. Eggs halfway there: tons of smoke.
Crap! Pull the pan off the- Holy F$@%!
A little campfire erupted on our stove. I can only say little since Jesse campfires are, well... So I brain-stutter and then turn off the element and try to formulate a thought while realizing the fire extinguisher is packed up downstairs.
Put... something... over... find... metal...
"JESSE!!"
Thank God he hadn't put his earplugs in for the day to sleep.
He came out groggily, "Wha...?"
"Fire on the stove!"
"Oh Shit!" He whipped out our big metal mixing bowl and smothered it in a second. Then the smoke detector went off.
"Thanks," I muttered to it.
He yanked it down, pulling out the batteries and opened all the windows and turned on the fan. I explained that I hadn't seen anything on the element or the frying pan to catch fire. He then lifted the bowl with oven mitts to find a pool of oil or grease in the base. Neither of us expected that. Needless to say the stove got pulled apart and cleaned tonight.
So next week we'll be away at Creation Northeast. May God help whoever has to save me or those around me then! Who knows? Maybe I'll have found my instincts by then. Best of luck to all in my presence!
So last week I brought the kids to Spring Brooks Park in Bedford. We're in the wading pool area and there's a mom with a bunch of kids around 3-5 and one 15 month-old. Yeah... Don't worry; everyone was okay. She parenting the 3-year-old when a woman yells from across (across!) the water, "Oh my God! Is he okay?!"
I'm 3 feet from the little one who's face down in the water with his little feet scrambling to grab the bottom. It's only about 18 inches deep at this point. I stared; in my mind I stuttered with what action to take.
Pick him up you idiot!
His mother crossed twice the distance (yes, she was that distant) and grabbed him. He was panicked but perfectly fine. She was astounded it even happened. I didn't know who to slap first. Thank God for the infant instinct to hold one's breath when water hits one's face. It's how those diehard swim instructors train 6 month-olds to swim.
Okay, I'm not too hard on myself for that non-reaction, but I'd have thought I'd have done better. I think what held me back was, "Oh, he'll freak if a stranger picks him up." Any thought besides Pick him up! is stupid really but I was over it soon enough. After all, it was one event. Well, then today happened.
I was cooking breakfast, scrambled eggs (might've had a few brain cells in the pan), when I noticed a little smoke. Looked like something was burning off the element. Lifted to check because what if it was something bigger, right? Nope, nothing. Eggs halfway there: tons of smoke.
Crap! Pull the pan off the- Holy F$@%!
A little campfire erupted on our stove. I can only say little since Jesse campfires are, well... So I brain-stutter and then turn off the element and try to formulate a thought while realizing the fire extinguisher is packed up downstairs.
Put... something... over... find... metal...
"JESSE!!"
Thank God he hadn't put his earplugs in for the day to sleep.
He came out groggily, "Wha...?"
"Fire on the stove!"
"Oh Shit!" He whipped out our big metal mixing bowl and smothered it in a second. Then the smoke detector went off.
"Thanks," I muttered to it.
He yanked it down, pulling out the batteries and opened all the windows and turned on the fan. I explained that I hadn't seen anything on the element or the frying pan to catch fire. He then lifted the bowl with oven mitts to find a pool of oil or grease in the base. Neither of us expected that. Needless to say the stove got pulled apart and cleaned tonight.
So next week we'll be away at Creation Northeast. May God help whoever has to save me or those around me then! Who knows? Maybe I'll have found my instincts by then. Best of luck to all in my presence!
Kitty Litter
Well, some of you might have heard we've 'rescued' a kitten. Really Jesse just got one and hid it in the backyard until I came home. Okay... supposedly she appeared on the back steps and really she's too cute to pass up. My daughter says she was a gift from Samuel (our sponsor child in Brazil) or that maybe she's Samuel's kitty and got lost. Yeah... cute honey but not so much. Long story short: did some research, figured she's about 8 weeks old, fed her some tuna (had nothing else and it was nighttime), made her a shoebox bed, and... drum roll... she has a name. It's over folks.
I was, however, the voice of reason and I did demand signs be made and posted about a 'Found Kitten.' I posted them this morning and we have a vet appointment Thursday afternoon. If we don't hear from anyone by then, we'll go ahead and call her our own. I kind of think she's already doing that. I know Bekah and Jesse are anyway. We have Kitten Chow and a disposable litter box now. I told the kids she was visiting until her mommy and daddy find her. If they didn't find her then we'd keep her but we couldn't buy her things until then. I am taken, but I'm also thinking ahead.
Trouble is, we wanted to have a dog and cat at the same time to let them equally become part of the family. We also wanted to wait for the kids to be old enough to help take care of them. Did I lose out here? Yeah kind of since I now want a puppy, but I don't imagine that's going to appear on the back steps anytime soon. Oh well, one pet at a time I guess. Really I wanted a dog and Jesse wanted a cat... I suppose the boy was overdue for a break.
I was, however, the voice of reason and I did demand signs be made and posted about a 'Found Kitten.' I posted them this morning and we have a vet appointment Thursday afternoon. If we don't hear from anyone by then, we'll go ahead and call her our own. I kind of think she's already doing that. I know Bekah and Jesse are anyway. We have Kitten Chow and a disposable litter box now. I told the kids she was visiting until her mommy and daddy find her. If they didn't find her then we'd keep her but we couldn't buy her things until then. I am taken, but I'm also thinking ahead.
Trouble is, we wanted to have a dog and cat at the same time to let them equally become part of the family. We also wanted to wait for the kids to be old enough to help take care of them. Did I lose out here? Yeah kind of since I now want a puppy, but I don't imagine that's going to appear on the back steps anytime soon. Oh well, one pet at a time I guess. Really I wanted a dog and Jesse wanted a cat... I suppose the boy was overdue for a break.
Ingredients for the Perfect Smile
Today we had more Adventures in Baking with Bekah and VJ. I turned my head for a second (you just uhoh'ed, right?) and Bekah had unraveled the sugar bag and stuffed a fistful in her mouth. Yeaaahhhh.... like she needs it. After a great day at the park with our moms' group, the day went downhill in the way of tantrums and the like. On the flip side the cookies were a huge hit at work. What's more is that I'm planning on doing some more baking on a regular basis, which means getting a better handle on the lit'uns' attitudes.
Well that's one challenge; another is finding more weekend in the weekend. This past weekend was, well, less than thrilling. Bills weren't tight; they were screwed. We didn't have enough. Period. Jesse, in desperation, picked up a last minute overtime shift. That was Saturday evening/night. To no surprise he was crap on Sunday. I wanted to be mad at him (I was sort of), but I couldn't really be. I made him choose whether or not to take the shift and I knew we needed it. I had to do a lot of sighing and think, This isn't forever. Next weekend maybe we'll get to see that movie that came out last Friday that we've been dying to see. All it's going to take is a babysitter, but it's hard to ask sometimes.
Another challenge: Deciding when to ask, what to ask, how often to ask, because we really do need to ask sometimes. Whether it's a few hours of babysitting, some time to hang out, or even money, it's hard to ask all the time. Don't get me wrong: we don't ask for money. Sometimes I feel like we might as well sometimes though. My parents are paying for the rooms when we go to my cousin's wedding in Annapolis this summer with the notion that we'll pay what we can towards it. Really, if they were a business and we were clients, we'd be beyond collection. I can only hope we'll be able to help our kids out like this someday, or at least pay back my parents somehow... with the hopes that our children won't need the help.
So I guess it's all in mindset and attitude. When she shoved that fistful of sugar in her mouth, two things needed to happen: I needed to not freak on her and she needed repercussions to enforce that it was not okay. We skipped her turn and she freaked, but I ignored her cries and settled them when her next turn came along. I chose to not physically drag the BFF from bed to watch the movie we'd Red-boxed Sunday night and fought to not be too disappointed in our lack of weekend. The week goes by pretty quickly. I know if we miss seeing this movie in the theaters we can Red-box it later (although if opportunity arises we will find a sitter). We are blessed with a house, beautiful and healthy children, supportive parents, and a truly great friendship. Jesse and I may tease the crap out of each, but he's the first one I go to when I'm uncertain of anything. We vent to one another, lean on each other, and really couldn't imagine anyone else putting up with our personalities. When we have time, we can still laugh, still sigh, still talk about our kids' latest bizarre moments, and we're still in love in a world where that's a shady subject.
So I got a little corny at the end... What'd you expect with a title like that? Okay so what am I going to bake next...?
Well that's one challenge; another is finding more weekend in the weekend. This past weekend was, well, less than thrilling. Bills weren't tight; they were screwed. We didn't have enough. Period. Jesse, in desperation, picked up a last minute overtime shift. That was Saturday evening/night. To no surprise he was crap on Sunday. I wanted to be mad at him (I was sort of), but I couldn't really be. I made him choose whether or not to take the shift and I knew we needed it. I had to do a lot of sighing and think, This isn't forever. Next weekend maybe we'll get to see that movie that came out last Friday that we've been dying to see. All it's going to take is a babysitter, but it's hard to ask sometimes.
Another challenge: Deciding when to ask, what to ask, how often to ask, because we really do need to ask sometimes. Whether it's a few hours of babysitting, some time to hang out, or even money, it's hard to ask all the time. Don't get me wrong: we don't ask for money. Sometimes I feel like we might as well sometimes though. My parents are paying for the rooms when we go to my cousin's wedding in Annapolis this summer with the notion that we'll pay what we can towards it. Really, if they were a business and we were clients, we'd be beyond collection. I can only hope we'll be able to help our kids out like this someday, or at least pay back my parents somehow... with the hopes that our children won't need the help.
So I guess it's all in mindset and attitude. When she shoved that fistful of sugar in her mouth, two things needed to happen: I needed to not freak on her and she needed repercussions to enforce that it was not okay. We skipped her turn and she freaked, but I ignored her cries and settled them when her next turn came along. I chose to not physically drag the BFF from bed to watch the movie we'd Red-boxed Sunday night and fought to not be too disappointed in our lack of weekend. The week goes by pretty quickly. I know if we miss seeing this movie in the theaters we can Red-box it later (although if opportunity arises we will find a sitter). We are blessed with a house, beautiful and healthy children, supportive parents, and a truly great friendship. Jesse and I may tease the crap out of each, but he's the first one I go to when I'm uncertain of anything. We vent to one another, lean on each other, and really couldn't imagine anyone else putting up with our personalities. When we have time, we can still laugh, still sigh, still talk about our kids' latest bizarre moments, and we're still in love in a world where that's a shady subject.
So I got a little corny at the end... What'd you expect with a title like that? Okay so what am I going to bake next...?
In Dreams...
Do you remember your dreams? Do you have dreams? Okay, everyone dreams, we need to in order to process our lives, but not everyone remembers them. Lately my dreams have lingered on the surface of my sleep night after night. I can even (sometimes) go back to them after waking to take Bekah potty and convince her it's still nighttime. Here's the thing: How valid are dreams anyway?
Some say dreams are a gateway to our subconscious, with which I agree. Some also say they're a gateway to an alternate consciousness which may allow us to travel beyond what our physical bodies can experience in this life. Food for thought. I've tried to go to sleep hoping, even expecting certain kinds of dreams; dreams with answers to difficult questions, dreams with clarity, dreams of escape. Sometimes I get sort of what I had asked for, though I'm disappointed with the result. A while ago, I prayed for an answer to a lingering hope which I've nurtured (perhaps beyond what's right) since my infancy. That night, I dreamed of my son playing on the living room floor happily. I knew what this dream was telling me: For now, focus on him. I was kind of bummed but I got the message and stop asking about said 'thing.'
The other night I dreamed of an elephant which I was going to consume with the help of a few guys. They were my guides and were showing me how to handle this creature piece at a time. While the pressing matter within the dream seemed something else entirely, I recalled mostly the elephant upon waking and knew this: I had a lot to take in now (or soon) and I would have help 'digesting' it all. Of course in the dream it wasn't weird that I was going to eat an elephant... while moving about in ankle to knee deep water. Yeah... I'm good at remembering dreams.
So that's interpretation, which by the way happens best through the dreamer more than by any book or expert. You know what things mean to you. You know how you felt in the dream, regardless how bizarre the description of the dream seems in waking hours. So what about the other consciousness part? I do believe in that as well. I believe we can be reached, when it's time and when we're ready, by things beyond our physical and waking ability. I've dreamed of those who have moved on from this world. I've made peace, been reassured. I know others who have experienced this as well. Today, I may have sort of promised a coworker that when she was ready... Well, it felt right to say and I'd said it before I knew it. I'm sure this will be; He's never let me down before.
My children dream now, quite vividly sometimes. With Bekah, the descriptions usually include dinosaurs but then again she's awake by then and quite the story-teller. She has intense dreams sometimes and I'm sure it's just that she's finding her way through that world now, a toddler realizing she can gain footing and move about this strange place of her own volition. As a toddler learning to walk may slip and falls at times, so she becomes frustrated and tosses and cries out in her sleep. I try to talk to her about her dreams when I come to her, unless she can calm herself. I wonder if she'll remember these dreams later in life as I remember a few from my childhood. I hope she does; they have more to teach upon looking back than they could at the time. I had a better understanding of what my dreams were saying and now can better interpret the more complicated dreams of my adulthood.
I don't always dream what I want to dream, and too often it's interrupted by crying children, but sometimes I so look forward to dreaming that I don't fall asleep easily. Speaking of which, sleep sounds good about now even though it's only 10:20pm. Hmmm... might be an early night tonight.
Dream well my friends.
Some say dreams are a gateway to our subconscious, with which I agree. Some also say they're a gateway to an alternate consciousness which may allow us to travel beyond what our physical bodies can experience in this life. Food for thought. I've tried to go to sleep hoping, even expecting certain kinds of dreams; dreams with answers to difficult questions, dreams with clarity, dreams of escape. Sometimes I get sort of what I had asked for, though I'm disappointed with the result. A while ago, I prayed for an answer to a lingering hope which I've nurtured (perhaps beyond what's right) since my infancy. That night, I dreamed of my son playing on the living room floor happily. I knew what this dream was telling me: For now, focus on him. I was kind of bummed but I got the message and stop asking about said 'thing.'
The other night I dreamed of an elephant which I was going to consume with the help of a few guys. They were my guides and were showing me how to handle this creature piece at a time. While the pressing matter within the dream seemed something else entirely, I recalled mostly the elephant upon waking and knew this: I had a lot to take in now (or soon) and I would have help 'digesting' it all. Of course in the dream it wasn't weird that I was going to eat an elephant... while moving about in ankle to knee deep water. Yeah... I'm good at remembering dreams.
So that's interpretation, which by the way happens best through the dreamer more than by any book or expert. You know what things mean to you. You know how you felt in the dream, regardless how bizarre the description of the dream seems in waking hours. So what about the other consciousness part? I do believe in that as well. I believe we can be reached, when it's time and when we're ready, by things beyond our physical and waking ability. I've dreamed of those who have moved on from this world. I've made peace, been reassured. I know others who have experienced this as well. Today, I may have sort of promised a coworker that when she was ready... Well, it felt right to say and I'd said it before I knew it. I'm sure this will be; He's never let me down before.
My children dream now, quite vividly sometimes. With Bekah, the descriptions usually include dinosaurs but then again she's awake by then and quite the story-teller. She has intense dreams sometimes and I'm sure it's just that she's finding her way through that world now, a toddler realizing she can gain footing and move about this strange place of her own volition. As a toddler learning to walk may slip and falls at times, so she becomes frustrated and tosses and cries out in her sleep. I try to talk to her about her dreams when I come to her, unless she can calm herself. I wonder if she'll remember these dreams later in life as I remember a few from my childhood. I hope she does; they have more to teach upon looking back than they could at the time. I had a better understanding of what my dreams were saying and now can better interpret the more complicated dreams of my adulthood.
I don't always dream what I want to dream, and too often it's interrupted by crying children, but sometimes I so look forward to dreaming that I don't fall asleep easily. Speaking of which, sleep sounds good about now even though it's only 10:20pm. Hmmm... might be an early night tonight.
Dream well my friends.
A Change of Character is a Change of Heart
{This is long overdue, both the topic and the idea of blogging on ideals and concepts instead of the mundane day-to-day rantings (though I'm thinking of doing an Andy Rooney segment).}
Those who know me know my truer nature: the more, er, zealous and, at times, over-committed child who goes from hiding her face to beaming it awkwardly after having shouted some unnecessary comment at the top of her lungs. It's most awesome when I'm gently corrected, suddenly embarrassed, or even completely ignored regardless how ridiculous I may have sounded. I certainly have never wanted to seem as such; who would? I simply wanted, in such moments, to be heard. Being the little sister, the over-achiever, the under-achiever (yes I've been both), the wall-flower to some or the fire-cracker to others leaves one feeling boxed. You're around these people; you're this to them. Be that. Kinda cramped in those boxes after a while. How could I grow? So when I try to switch voices from the goofy child to the young woman of reason it isn't always met with sincerity. Go figure. Enter now the scene of ridiculous to make a point, which isn't always made, and I feel dumb.
Let's address the other issue plaguing mine and 90% of other people's lives (wait, what percentage of humans are children under ten...) and that's stress. Usually it's money. Okay, almost always it's money and when there's little of that, there's LOTS of stress. We had a great time getting married, but couldn't find a house or the proverbial pot, ahem, later. We got pregnant, got more stressed, snowball of stress. Thought we'd be cramped in a room with one child? Guess what? Thing Two's a-coming! I was SOOO depressed! I love my children; have long before they were ever born, but I couldn't shake the droopiness, the loneliness, the helplessness, the uselessness, the stress, the stress, the stress... It got pretty scary at times. I tried escapism through writing but that's another topic for which no blog is worthy. I tried sleep aides. Melatonin and Valerian in combination helped which, in turn, helped with some cognitive reasoning. Work was affected but I'm not sure anyone noticed much. Jesse noticed, God love him, but felt helpless. It seemed that nothing was getting me out the funk I was in and the only occasional relief was prayer and crying. It was pathetic. Okay, maybe some would empathize and say it wasn't pathetic but I felt that way at the time (and looking back) but I just couldn't shake the whole drowning feeling.
So did the house cure us? Was the Love Shack the answer to our problems? Are you kidding?! We've never been in more debt, but I'm able to shrug a shoulder and brush it off like never before. Not saying we don't freak sometimes when the oil bill comes in (ahem, 'scuse me, just got a chill) but I feel far more in control of myself than I did before. My other half might be saying, 'Great, it was worse?' I may still be emotional, still at times apathetic of things, but I'm able to accomplish simple tasks once more... grocery shopping is still in the distant to never future. (Love you!)
Here's the bottom line. I faked my way out of it. Sounds lame doesn't it. It SO is. One inspiration was my OB, Dr. Morin. She had the sweetest and most calming voice so that I didn't care what she said. She could've said, "So we're going to have to stick this five gauge needle in your face and then cut you open before the anesthesia kicks in." I'd just stare back calmly with saucer-like hypnotic eyes and mutter, "Okay." Truth be told she made every visit and first childbirth itself go smoothly. So wish she didn't leave BI. She was truthful but calming, straight-forward but compassionate. I started putting myself in her character (speech and demeanor-wise) while working with patients myself. For most patients there was little difference, but for the strung-out, psycho-stressed moms and dads who looked like they wanted to blame me for their child's daycare-plagued illness or their teen's emotional and social problems... Well, I suddenly started cooling people down and getting nicer 'thank-yous' in the end. Diplomacy can be a powerful tool especially when paired with sincerity.
Was I cured? Course not! It was the beginning of a long road. I started taking pages from a few people on how to act positive. Now I might start to sound self-help-book-ie but I'll try not to. Bottom line is that I kept putting myself in a positive character and eventually I started believing it. It worked the best when I was helping someone else out of an emotional drought. I became the voice of concern, the voice of reason, the voice of compassion. I was once told I had hospitality; the ability to come to the person in need instead of trying to get him/her to come to my level for conversation. I held on to that concept and I began to understand a bit more about people and where they're coming from and where I wanted to be myself. God gave me some great examples to follow both at work and at home. I love them each dearly and don't yet know how to thank them. They may never know either, but I can at least repay them with kindness for now.
I need to divert for just a moment. In sixth grade I remember reading a book in which the main character's mother was described as being calm in the face of a tiger but jumping at the sound of a kitten. I loved the manner in which this mother was portrayed and have since always wanted to be regarded as such. Not that I want to jump at the sound of a kitten, but if my short-comings must be then let them be less significant than my accomplishments in the eyes of my children. I want to be that strong mother, able to face the dangers of life, holding her family together in trying times (Lord, not too many trying times if possible!) and able to talk things out during the difficult teenage years when parents are thought to be enemies. For the record, mine were not and my mother is that mother. Somewhere along the line I began convincing myself that I too can be that mother and, somehow, I'm going to be. Let's face it, I already do jump at the sound of a kitten but if I don't run scared from a tiger right now it's pure stupidity.
So I guess the status of this whole concept now is that I'm starting to believe I am becoming a more calm, in-control person. I'm trying to only speak when someone who cares will be listening, or when among friends because they're used to my voice anyway and I'll get over them ignoring me. Playing the part of the calm, not-about-to-scream-because-you're-screaming-but-I-can-be-louder mama is working far better than I thought it would. It's still trying, oh my is it trying, but I've learned to tune out the screaming/ranting/crying tantrums and be patient while they realize it's getting them nowhere. I have got a pair of *intense* children! It's hairy at times and I really fail my whole 'composed' persona sometimes, but slowly I am improving. The best part? I'm looking forward to things, planning things, enjoying the day, tiring them out, and actually getting a handle on things. I see a roadblock in life, bill or health issue, and I can look at it logically and reasonably figure out a solution. My thought process is that God isn't going to leave us homeless on the streets, or even hungry in our home. My aunt has a saying, "This too shall pass." My mother's family has another saying, "God is good."
Those who know me know my truer nature: the more, er, zealous and, at times, over-committed child who goes from hiding her face to beaming it awkwardly after having shouted some unnecessary comment at the top of her lungs. It's most awesome when I'm gently corrected, suddenly embarrassed, or even completely ignored regardless how ridiculous I may have sounded. I certainly have never wanted to seem as such; who would? I simply wanted, in such moments, to be heard. Being the little sister, the over-achiever, the under-achiever (yes I've been both), the wall-flower to some or the fire-cracker to others leaves one feeling boxed. You're around these people; you're this to them. Be that. Kinda cramped in those boxes after a while. How could I grow? So when I try to switch voices from the goofy child to the young woman of reason it isn't always met with sincerity. Go figure. Enter now the scene of ridiculous to make a point, which isn't always made, and I feel dumb.
Let's address the other issue plaguing mine and 90% of other people's lives (wait, what percentage of humans are children under ten...) and that's stress. Usually it's money. Okay, almost always it's money and when there's little of that, there's LOTS of stress. We had a great time getting married, but couldn't find a house or the proverbial pot, ahem, later. We got pregnant, got more stressed, snowball of stress. Thought we'd be cramped in a room with one child? Guess what? Thing Two's a-coming! I was SOOO depressed! I love my children; have long before they were ever born, but I couldn't shake the droopiness, the loneliness, the helplessness, the uselessness, the stress, the stress, the stress... It got pretty scary at times. I tried escapism through writing but that's another topic for which no blog is worthy. I tried sleep aides. Melatonin and Valerian in combination helped which, in turn, helped with some cognitive reasoning. Work was affected but I'm not sure anyone noticed much. Jesse noticed, God love him, but felt helpless. It seemed that nothing was getting me out the funk I was in and the only occasional relief was prayer and crying. It was pathetic. Okay, maybe some would empathize and say it wasn't pathetic but I felt that way at the time (and looking back) but I just couldn't shake the whole drowning feeling.
So did the house cure us? Was the Love Shack the answer to our problems? Are you kidding?! We've never been in more debt, but I'm able to shrug a shoulder and brush it off like never before. Not saying we don't freak sometimes when the oil bill comes in (ahem, 'scuse me, just got a chill) but I feel far more in control of myself than I did before. My other half might be saying, 'Great, it was worse?' I may still be emotional, still at times apathetic of things, but I'm able to accomplish simple tasks once more... grocery shopping is still in the distant to never future. (Love you!)
Here's the bottom line. I faked my way out of it. Sounds lame doesn't it. It SO is. One inspiration was my OB, Dr. Morin. She had the sweetest and most calming voice so that I didn't care what she said. She could've said, "So we're going to have to stick this five gauge needle in your face and then cut you open before the anesthesia kicks in." I'd just stare back calmly with saucer-like hypnotic eyes and mutter, "Okay." Truth be told she made every visit and first childbirth itself go smoothly. So wish she didn't leave BI. She was truthful but calming, straight-forward but compassionate. I started putting myself in her character (speech and demeanor-wise) while working with patients myself. For most patients there was little difference, but for the strung-out, psycho-stressed moms and dads who looked like they wanted to blame me for their child's daycare-plagued illness or their teen's emotional and social problems... Well, I suddenly started cooling people down and getting nicer 'thank-yous' in the end. Diplomacy can be a powerful tool especially when paired with sincerity.
Was I cured? Course not! It was the beginning of a long road. I started taking pages from a few people on how to act positive. Now I might start to sound self-help-book-ie but I'll try not to. Bottom line is that I kept putting myself in a positive character and eventually I started believing it. It worked the best when I was helping someone else out of an emotional drought. I became the voice of concern, the voice of reason, the voice of compassion. I was once told I had hospitality; the ability to come to the person in need instead of trying to get him/her to come to my level for conversation. I held on to that concept and I began to understand a bit more about people and where they're coming from and where I wanted to be myself. God gave me some great examples to follow both at work and at home. I love them each dearly and don't yet know how to thank them. They may never know either, but I can at least repay them with kindness for now.
I need to divert for just a moment. In sixth grade I remember reading a book in which the main character's mother was described as being calm in the face of a tiger but jumping at the sound of a kitten. I loved the manner in which this mother was portrayed and have since always wanted to be regarded as such. Not that I want to jump at the sound of a kitten, but if my short-comings must be then let them be less significant than my accomplishments in the eyes of my children. I want to be that strong mother, able to face the dangers of life, holding her family together in trying times (Lord, not too many trying times if possible!) and able to talk things out during the difficult teenage years when parents are thought to be enemies. For the record, mine were not and my mother is that mother. Somewhere along the line I began convincing myself that I too can be that mother and, somehow, I'm going to be. Let's face it, I already do jump at the sound of a kitten but if I don't run scared from a tiger right now it's pure stupidity.
So I guess the status of this whole concept now is that I'm starting to believe I am becoming a more calm, in-control person. I'm trying to only speak when someone who cares will be listening, or when among friends because they're used to my voice anyway and I'll get over them ignoring me. Playing the part of the calm, not-about-to-scream-because-you're-screaming-but-I-can-be-louder mama is working far better than I thought it would. It's still trying, oh my is it trying, but I've learned to tune out the screaming/ranting/crying tantrums and be patient while they realize it's getting them nowhere. I have got a pair of *intense* children! It's hairy at times and I really fail my whole 'composed' persona sometimes, but slowly I am improving. The best part? I'm looking forward to things, planning things, enjoying the day, tiring them out, and actually getting a handle on things. I see a roadblock in life, bill or health issue, and I can look at it logically and reasonably figure out a solution. My thought process is that God isn't going to leave us homeless on the streets, or even hungry in our home. My aunt has a saying, "This too shall pass." My mother's family has another saying, "God is good."
Overdue Accomplishments
So many things have been overdue... Spring Cleaning, moving out (the rest of the way), cleaning out my wardrobe (ahem, maternity clothes), and the Bs winning game 7 against the Habs!!! Woooh! Only took 8 tries!
Okay, so I've blogged or at least posted (I forget which) about spring cleaning a bit. The kids' clothes have been cleaned up and old stuff bagged, some even given out already. The art bin has expanded to four containers and there's now a 'dry tray' which was the base of a water pack. Well, today I spent some time at my parents' and in the last few moments I packed up tons of random things in the car from a ball glove to helmets to some towels. But the biggest thing was clearing out some of my clothes. I hadn't brought my summer things (or my karate gis) home yet so I took all I could minus a couple pairs of pants and two jackets, and some gis. Here's the most depressing thing: 60% of my wardrobe that I've *been wearing* is maternity. Sweaters, shirts, tank-tops... I couldn't stand it when I realized it. Well I did some trying on, tossing, and bagging all during an intense game 7 between Boston and Montreal. Two bags later I'm maternity clothing free and let's just say my wardrobe is uh... I have lots of closet space now. :)
There's much more moving out to go, sadly, and there's more organizing and cleaning and, well, everything to do at our house. Still, I feel I crested a pretty big hill in the project department. And as for the Bruins, Woooooh!! Ahem, well, that was round one.
Go Bs!!!
Okay, so I've blogged or at least posted (I forget which) about spring cleaning a bit. The kids' clothes have been cleaned up and old stuff bagged, some even given out already. The art bin has expanded to four containers and there's now a 'dry tray' which was the base of a water pack. Well, today I spent some time at my parents' and in the last few moments I packed up tons of random things in the car from a ball glove to helmets to some towels. But the biggest thing was clearing out some of my clothes. I hadn't brought my summer things (or my karate gis) home yet so I took all I could minus a couple pairs of pants and two jackets, and some gis. Here's the most depressing thing: 60% of my wardrobe that I've *been wearing* is maternity. Sweaters, shirts, tank-tops... I couldn't stand it when I realized it. Well I did some trying on, tossing, and bagging all during an intense game 7 between Boston and Montreal. Two bags later I'm maternity clothing free and let's just say my wardrobe is uh... I have lots of closet space now. :)
There's much more moving out to go, sadly, and there's more organizing and cleaning and, well, everything to do at our house. Still, I feel I crested a pretty big hill in the project department. And as for the Bruins, Woooooh!! Ahem, well, that was round one.
Go Bs!!!
Spring Cleaning and Planning
{I come up with about a million ideas to blog about throughout the day... then they're gone come blogging time.}
So the good weather is finally here, or at least it's much warmer and we can *Finally* put the boots and snow gear away! Maybe now we'll have room for jackets and shoes in the foyer. My other Spring Cleaning project that's actually within reason is to purge all the baby clothes and toys that are cluttering various parts of the closet/trailer/basement/attic/etc. A friend of mine will do well for her daughter and I might find a little boy who could use some of VJ's things. I can't do anything without Bekah noticing so she knows what I'm doing and will say, "Mama, are we giving our clothes to little boys and girls who don't have enough?"
Sometimes I can't stand how cute they are and the things they say. While Bekah was reading to herself (ahem, yes!) VJ was playing with my hair and I was apparently falling asleep. I opened my eyes in realizing this and he put out a hand, "Shh! Mama, close eyes!" and continued to stroke my hair!
I am still exhausted daily but pushing through with this P90X crap. Yeah I said it like that! I'm half-assing the jumping things because I can't jump in the house after 9pm and I can't do the spatially demanding exercises. I also skip the chin-ups as I can usually only do 1-1.5 and I have to set-up and take down each time and can't see the TV while I do this. So I've almost mastered the situps, weights (although I only have up to 5lbs), and lunges. I'll be mostly okay for Creation Northeast but I'd love to get some jogging in to get the cardio happening again. And man I am soooo stiff! I've lost all flexibility! Hopefully I don't need to do much climbing... Did I just type that?!
Speaking/Typing of which... Bekah now has her own climbing harness (though she's 6lbs below minimum weight requirement, peanut). I've also purchased some new work boots for them which I love! Yup, my daughter has my accursed love for foot gear. "Mama! These are so cute! And Vincent wants the blue ones!" We hope to get some ride-time in with my dear friend Trish and her horse, Calico Silver. Bek does so well riding, a horse anyway. She's still trying to get the whole circle thing with riding a bike, but she's young. Sometimes when you have a kid that can do almost anything it's weird to see a normal developmental setting appear. Then there's VJ. He gets nothing and gets SO mad and frustrated. Poor kid. He does get hockey though. Poor wallet.
Well, Easter baskets are set to be packed together. Couple new DVDs included (thankfully, as the others were getting stale). Bureau has been mostly cleaned off, aside the hair which still needs to be put in an envelope and mailed to Wigs for Kids. Most of the kids' clothes are in bags, ready for pick-up, but I need to unload a bin or two from the trailer. Anyone feel like popping over to play with the lit'uns whilst the BFF and I rummage through said (and unsaid) items of need-to-do? We pay in meals and good friendship! All we can afford and it's priceless!
So the good weather is finally here, or at least it's much warmer and we can *Finally* put the boots and snow gear away! Maybe now we'll have room for jackets and shoes in the foyer. My other Spring Cleaning project that's actually within reason is to purge all the baby clothes and toys that are cluttering various parts of the closet/trailer/basement/attic/etc. A friend of mine will do well for her daughter and I might find a little boy who could use some of VJ's things. I can't do anything without Bekah noticing so she knows what I'm doing and will say, "Mama, are we giving our clothes to little boys and girls who don't have enough?"
Sometimes I can't stand how cute they are and the things they say. While Bekah was reading to herself (ahem, yes!) VJ was playing with my hair and I was apparently falling asleep. I opened my eyes in realizing this and he put out a hand, "Shh! Mama, close eyes!" and continued to stroke my hair!
I am still exhausted daily but pushing through with this P90X crap. Yeah I said it like that! I'm half-assing the jumping things because I can't jump in the house after 9pm and I can't do the spatially demanding exercises. I also skip the chin-ups as I can usually only do 1-1.5 and I have to set-up and take down each time and can't see the TV while I do this. So I've almost mastered the situps, weights (although I only have up to 5lbs), and lunges. I'll be mostly okay for Creation Northeast but I'd love to get some jogging in to get the cardio happening again. And man I am soooo stiff! I've lost all flexibility! Hopefully I don't need to do much climbing... Did I just type that?!
Speaking/Typing of which... Bekah now has her own climbing harness (though she's 6lbs below minimum weight requirement, peanut). I've also purchased some new work boots for them which I love! Yup, my daughter has my accursed love for foot gear. "Mama! These are so cute! And Vincent wants the blue ones!" We hope to get some ride-time in with my dear friend Trish and her horse, Calico Silver. Bek does so well riding, a horse anyway. She's still trying to get the whole circle thing with riding a bike, but she's young. Sometimes when you have a kid that can do almost anything it's weird to see a normal developmental setting appear. Then there's VJ. He gets nothing and gets SO mad and frustrated. Poor kid. He does get hockey though. Poor wallet.
Well, Easter baskets are set to be packed together. Couple new DVDs included (thankfully, as the others were getting stale). Bureau has been mostly cleaned off, aside the hair which still needs to be put in an envelope and mailed to Wigs for Kids. Most of the kids' clothes are in bags, ready for pick-up, but I need to unload a bin or two from the trailer. Anyone feel like popping over to play with the lit'uns whilst the BFF and I rummage through said (and unsaid) items of need-to-do? We pay in meals and good friendship! All we can afford and it's priceless!
Low Budget Parenting
Spring is finally here and snow is finally melted (though our Christmas tree is still hanging out in the driveway!). Now I can start taking the kids outside more and with our yard and (half-way finished) swing-set there's plenty to do. Thank God too because the cost of activities has been killing us!
Okay, we pay for a membership to the Y so we can pay lower fees for swim lessons. This has paid off; they swim with bubbles and no adult help now. I've paid for a few classes in the past wherein Bekah would play in the mat room and maybe make a craft once in a while, but we started to be the only ones coming and it wasn't worth the arm it cost. Daycare and Preschool? Forget it! It costs more than I make, yet I make too much to qualify for 'help' anywhere. I've been doing school-like activities at home all along though, craft, short lessons, reading, etc. We were just missing the social interactions... really missing them.
So I joined a mom's group. Found one online, not sure why I couldn't find it sooner; mustn't have looked the right way. It's a low yearly fee and there's TONS of things happening! We've so far done two mall-walks and one play-group and I love it! I can start-up with, "Hi, I'm Caroline..." and it's much less awkward being part of a group than trying to pop into conversation at the Simon's Kid Klubhouse with other parents who're trying to let their kids burn steam while they check emails and sag for a moment during their busy day. I am so glad winter's over, for real this time.
In other news, we have a backyard! Okay not so much news as: Yay, we're using it now! We starting putting together the swing-set (only missing the monkey-bars but stable and the open area is tied off for now), we have a play house thanks to a connection through a friend, and we just need to lose a pile of dirt where the shed once was and get some grass growing. I've been wanting to host a baby-toddler water party in the summer but it'd be a mud party without the grass. Only trouble is the cost. Boy, would I love to just throw out some sod and be done with it! I'd rather not have to wait for seed or have to keep my kids off the lawn, but it's the more likely option for us. Hopefully we'll get something happening in time for some backyard company. Kinda tight getting more than four adults in the house nevermind busy children running around, otherwise I'd host a playgroup.
Even on the rainy days I've been able to find something for the kids and me to keep busy and happy-ish. Besides movies and crafts, we've got an awesome library in town and they have some great children's programs. My kids love the preschool story time and they love picking out new books to bring home. It's like free preschool minus the lesson plan. If it's free, it's for me (as Jess would say). I do everything I possibly can to reduce the need for paying for preschool, although I'll likely get Bekah into some 2-day program before kindergarten, but if not I know she won't be too overwhelmed come school time.
Honestly, I'm baffled by the stay-at-home-mom thing. Jesse would have to double his paycheck, double people! And we're scraping by with our piddly mortgage! Here it is on the table (minus real figures): We both work full-time, no daycare, low mortgage, barely making it. I'm not complaining; I'm baffled. I am amazed at what God has provided for us... amazed! But I see stay-home-moms with homes that I know cost more than double ours and their kids are signed up for tons more things and I just wonder sometimes. Does that working dad really make over four times what one of us makes? We're not bagging at Market Basket. We're not living it up in a four bedroom, or even a three. We're psyched we have the home we have but sometimes I wonder how it all adds up. I shouldn't, but I can't always help it. I once said I was going to change my name, change the kids' names, divorce my husband, tear up my diplomas, stop paying taxes, walk with a limp and talk with an accent and then we'd be all set. Seriously, I'd rather be me and live honestly, piddly but honestly.
Bottom line: I love my family, more than words. I love our home, our blessings, our life together. God's still working on me and He'll be doing that till the day I go home. In the meantime, I pray He helps me and Jess provide for the lit'uns as needed and gets us through the years with minimal stress over money. It's the number one cause of all negativity in this world and we really don't need it... the negativity, not the money... we do need the money.
I want the kids to remember the fun times in their childhood, not the stress that led to it sometimes. I guess that's what my parents wanted too, hence the sticker shock now that I'm here. They did a good job hiding their financial stresses, although I think it's worse now than it was then (yes, even relatively speaking). If we can make it through the soaring gas prices, we'll be giving our munchkins yet another fun-filled, memorable summer, this time with more friends and connections too.
Okay, we pay for a membership to the Y so we can pay lower fees for swim lessons. This has paid off; they swim with bubbles and no adult help now. I've paid for a few classes in the past wherein Bekah would play in the mat room and maybe make a craft once in a while, but we started to be the only ones coming and it wasn't worth the arm it cost. Daycare and Preschool? Forget it! It costs more than I make, yet I make too much to qualify for 'help' anywhere. I've been doing school-like activities at home all along though, craft, short lessons, reading, etc. We were just missing the social interactions... really missing them.
So I joined a mom's group. Found one online, not sure why I couldn't find it sooner; mustn't have looked the right way. It's a low yearly fee and there's TONS of things happening! We've so far done two mall-walks and one play-group and I love it! I can start-up with, "Hi, I'm Caroline..." and it's much less awkward being part of a group than trying to pop into conversation at the Simon's Kid Klubhouse with other parents who're trying to let their kids burn steam while they check emails and sag for a moment during their busy day. I am so glad winter's over, for real this time.
In other news, we have a backyard! Okay not so much news as: Yay, we're using it now! We starting putting together the swing-set (only missing the monkey-bars but stable and the open area is tied off for now), we have a play house thanks to a connection through a friend, and we just need to lose a pile of dirt where the shed once was and get some grass growing. I've been wanting to host a baby-toddler water party in the summer but it'd be a mud party without the grass. Only trouble is the cost. Boy, would I love to just throw out some sod and be done with it! I'd rather not have to wait for seed or have to keep my kids off the lawn, but it's the more likely option for us. Hopefully we'll get something happening in time for some backyard company. Kinda tight getting more than four adults in the house nevermind busy children running around, otherwise I'd host a playgroup.
Even on the rainy days I've been able to find something for the kids and me to keep busy and happy-ish. Besides movies and crafts, we've got an awesome library in town and they have some great children's programs. My kids love the preschool story time and they love picking out new books to bring home. It's like free preschool minus the lesson plan. If it's free, it's for me (as Jess would say). I do everything I possibly can to reduce the need for paying for preschool, although I'll likely get Bekah into some 2-day program before kindergarten, but if not I know she won't be too overwhelmed come school time.
Honestly, I'm baffled by the stay-at-home-mom thing. Jesse would have to double his paycheck, double people! And we're scraping by with our piddly mortgage! Here it is on the table (minus real figures): We both work full-time, no daycare, low mortgage, barely making it. I'm not complaining; I'm baffled. I am amazed at what God has provided for us... amazed! But I see stay-home-moms with homes that I know cost more than double ours and their kids are signed up for tons more things and I just wonder sometimes. Does that working dad really make over four times what one of us makes? We're not bagging at Market Basket. We're not living it up in a four bedroom, or even a three. We're psyched we have the home we have but sometimes I wonder how it all adds up. I shouldn't, but I can't always help it. I once said I was going to change my name, change the kids' names, divorce my husband, tear up my diplomas, stop paying taxes, walk with a limp and talk with an accent and then we'd be all set. Seriously, I'd rather be me and live honestly, piddly but honestly.
Bottom line: I love my family, more than words. I love our home, our blessings, our life together. God's still working on me and He'll be doing that till the day I go home. In the meantime, I pray He helps me and Jess provide for the lit'uns as needed and gets us through the years with minimal stress over money. It's the number one cause of all negativity in this world and we really don't need it... the negativity, not the money... we do need the money.
I want the kids to remember the fun times in their childhood, not the stress that led to it sometimes. I guess that's what my parents wanted too, hence the sticker shock now that I'm here. They did a good job hiding their financial stresses, although I think it's worse now than it was then (yes, even relatively speaking). If we can make it through the soaring gas prices, we'll be giving our munchkins yet another fun-filled, memorable summer, this time with more friends and connections too.
Super Mom/Wife working late hours
So I played the roll of busy wife/mom tonight, after I got home around 9pm. Let's just say the BFF's evening didn't go as planned. I walked in the door kind of late worrying about him getting to work on time. That was it. I walked in the door and there was little more I could do without walking on the mess that was the living room. He apologized profusely but when I saw him in jeans and a T-shirt I knew it was more important he get ready for work. Apparently they'd just gotten home 20 minutes ago or so. He had an appointment to get to, for which he was later than he wanted to be, and the kids delayed him quite a bit. (And he's usually the more capable parent.)
After making sure he didn't want help getting out the door, and seeing a plate of dinner set before me which made my stomach growl, I decided it best to eat first, clean later. After he shoved off, I had work to do. One stress reliever I've discovered is leaving the dishes for the morning (within reason). Food was scraped off and dishes set up for cleaning and that was that. Tomorrow is trash and recycle. With the kitchen cleaned up enough, I started going for trash bags from the back to the front. I grabbed the bathroom's and noticed the toilet. Yeeeaaahhhh.... Jess did mention something about Bekah getting in there and clogging it. He didn't mention the back splash of... ick... So I paused in trash duty for, uh, that duty. There, whew! Back to trash and set it in the foyer for him to pull out in the morning. Now for the living room.
We have two toddlers. I used to teach preschool. It's only natural I wanted to trade the messy toy box for a nice toy bucket organizer shelf-like thingy. Word of advice for those as anal retentive as me: it doesn't stay organized. I know, "Duh?!" But really, I still try, besides most of the toys were already scattered about between their room and the living room floor, kitchen, couch, and stroller pocket. By the way Jesse, please make sure to remove the items in the lower bin before folding said stroller. The Dora book barely survived. :)
I tidied up the million animals in their room as well and after that... it was ME time! P90X Plyometrics, here I come! So proud of myself for getting into this routine, and for Jess for getting me those DVDs. Workout complete, house mostly cleaned, toilet definitely cleaned, a small basket of kids' laundry to fold, dishes to be left for the morning... It's time for a shower and maybe one DVR'ed show.
Maybe it's the workout talking, but I feel accomplished tonight... and effing tired really but hey, we all need a super-mom/wife feeling once in a while. Tomorrow brings a dance party for the kids at the library, then hanging at Mama's before work. House shouldn't get too out of shape then... maybe...
After making sure he didn't want help getting out the door, and seeing a plate of dinner set before me which made my stomach growl, I decided it best to eat first, clean later. After he shoved off, I had work to do. One stress reliever I've discovered is leaving the dishes for the morning (within reason). Food was scraped off and dishes set up for cleaning and that was that. Tomorrow is trash and recycle. With the kitchen cleaned up enough, I started going for trash bags from the back to the front. I grabbed the bathroom's and noticed the toilet. Yeeeaaahhhh.... Jess did mention something about Bekah getting in there and clogging it. He didn't mention the back splash of... ick... So I paused in trash duty for, uh, that duty. There, whew! Back to trash and set it in the foyer for him to pull out in the morning. Now for the living room.
We have two toddlers. I used to teach preschool. It's only natural I wanted to trade the messy toy box for a nice toy bucket organizer shelf-like thingy. Word of advice for those as anal retentive as me: it doesn't stay organized. I know, "Duh?!" But really, I still try, besides most of the toys were already scattered about between their room and the living room floor, kitchen, couch, and stroller pocket. By the way Jesse, please make sure to remove the items in the lower bin before folding said stroller. The Dora book barely survived. :)
I tidied up the million animals in their room as well and after that... it was ME time! P90X Plyometrics, here I come! So proud of myself for getting into this routine, and for Jess for getting me those DVDs. Workout complete, house mostly cleaned, toilet definitely cleaned, a small basket of kids' laundry to fold, dishes to be left for the morning... It's time for a shower and maybe one DVR'ed show.
Maybe it's the workout talking, but I feel accomplished tonight... and effing tired really but hey, we all need a super-mom/wife feeling once in a while. Tomorrow brings a dance party for the kids at the library, then hanging at Mama's before work. House shouldn't get too out of shape then... maybe...
Round is a Shape
Okay so there's looking 'thin' and feeling 'thin' and really I'm not so much concerned about that as I am feeling fit. I could gain 15lbs and not care if it meant I was in better shape. I used to dance four nights a week and I was in awesome shape, but then I also had horrible wind; no cardio ability whatsoever. Years later I got into Kenpo karate thanks to a friend in a Cardio-kickboxing class. It was a rough road for a while but I found my wind thanks to an amazing instructor. So there I was, in my prime (yes, I'm going there), physically fit with cardio ability and all. Okay, so I wasn't exactly a marathon runner, but I was in great shape for me. (I also weighed 15-20lbs more than I do now for those who follow numbers. Proof they aren't everything.)
Right now, two kids and years of no hard physical activity later, I couldn't take 15 minutes of a karate class let alone a kickboxing class. I can barely climb stairs without getting winded. My kids are each about 28lbs and I can't carry both at the same time without some back pain... okay, even one without back pain. Really, it's not my style to be this un-fit. I have lost the weight, and I had about 75lbs to loose after recovering from my son. I'm less than when I got married, but I'm not that shape anymore. Child-bearing changes more than one's belly. My ribs are wider, boobs sag, chest and waist and hips are completely different proportions than they used to be. It's not about getting a different size; I have to shop for different styles than I could get before. Very frustrating! I can't tell you how many times I had to buy new bras. They are not cheap! Blasted things probably cost me a pay check.
Here's the plan: Lent starts tomorrow; so do I. I can't afford those high-profile programs like the P90X, but I do know how to work out a workout. I know how to do push-ups (albeit I'm not great), I can don sit-ups (though not like I used to), I can do jumping jacks and cardio workouts. I'll be slow at first, mostly stretching and slow strength training, but I'm going to try to stick to it. I have a couple friends who've said they'll hold me to it. Accountability is my issue. I'll go to a class if I'm signed up. I'll take my kids to the park when it's in the plan. But will I take an hour or even 30 minutes between coming home at 9pm and going to bed by midnight to actually exert myself? That's where I need someone to make sure I'm making myself do it.
So, wish me luck. No idea how much time I'll be able to commit each night, or how long this will last, or how effective a quiet, nighttime workout can be, but I'm giving it a shot. Someday, if my schedule changes, maybe I'll be able to get back to karate, or even back to staging (which I also miss dearly!!), but I won't be able to do either until I get myself back into shape, a healthy, fit shape regardless of any numbers.
Right now, two kids and years of no hard physical activity later, I couldn't take 15 minutes of a karate class let alone a kickboxing class. I can barely climb stairs without getting winded. My kids are each about 28lbs and I can't carry both at the same time without some back pain... okay, even one without back pain. Really, it's not my style to be this un-fit. I have lost the weight, and I had about 75lbs to loose after recovering from my son. I'm less than when I got married, but I'm not that shape anymore. Child-bearing changes more than one's belly. My ribs are wider, boobs sag, chest and waist and hips are completely different proportions than they used to be. It's not about getting a different size; I have to shop for different styles than I could get before. Very frustrating! I can't tell you how many times I had to buy new bras. They are not cheap! Blasted things probably cost me a pay check.
Here's the plan: Lent starts tomorrow; so do I. I can't afford those high-profile programs like the P90X, but I do know how to work out a workout. I know how to do push-ups (albeit I'm not great), I can don sit-ups (though not like I used to), I can do jumping jacks and cardio workouts. I'll be slow at first, mostly stretching and slow strength training, but I'm going to try to stick to it. I have a couple friends who've said they'll hold me to it. Accountability is my issue. I'll go to a class if I'm signed up. I'll take my kids to the park when it's in the plan. But will I take an hour or even 30 minutes between coming home at 9pm and going to bed by midnight to actually exert myself? That's where I need someone to make sure I'm making myself do it.
So, wish me luck. No idea how much time I'll be able to commit each night, or how long this will last, or how effective a quiet, nighttime workout can be, but I'm giving it a shot. Someday, if my schedule changes, maybe I'll be able to get back to karate, or even back to staging (which I also miss dearly!!), but I won't be able to do either until I get myself back into shape, a healthy, fit shape regardless of any numbers.
What's Left
I'm due to loosen the brain (what's left of it) and flex my fingers a bit. I'm breaking from the 'book' because God knows I really need a reality check. Okay, too many directions to go in here. Ever feel like your brain is full? It's a computer and, like a computer, I'm all out of memory. I don't know if I need more hard drive space, RAM, or a faster processor, but I am full up and slowing down mentally. So what if I don't know who 'famous' people are? So what if I barely catch the news and never know what people are talking about? So what if someone I know is pregnant and I just found out... and she's nine months along. I hear some people would care about these things. I'm apparently too wrapped up in my own issues to notice or care.
Okay, just stared blankly for a minute and lost myself. See?! I don't even pay attention to myself! Talk about scatter-brained! Is anyone paying attention to how daft I am lately? I'm not talking about trying to put the silverwear away in the fridge, or walking to the kitchen and forgetting why I'm there. I mean solid brain gaps, or would that be concrete brain blocks? I don't know. Part of me does care... the small part that doesn't actually dominate the part of me that tries to do things about things. Part of me wants to whack myself upside the head and say, "Hey! Get your damned act together! There's nothing wrong with you and you know it!" Other parts say, "Who cares? Disappear into some unreality and forget about it." Have I become so complacent with trying to 'not-sweat-the-little-things' that I don't care about anything anymore? I must say my stress levels are way down, but the give-a-shit factor may have been affected as well.
Alright, let's just assume for a minute that I'm just venting at my own lack of awareness of the world around me, as in news, media, friends, family, everything. It's frustrating being the person who's clueless to everything. Those who know me know I like to be the one with something clever to say, something funny or encouraging or significant somehow. Castle. Yeah, insider. But seriously, this decline of mind has been happening long before the first mini-me started succubi-ing my insides. (There's a visual for you!) I remember looking with interest and understanding at my brother's college Calculus homework while I was a junior in high school. I remember figuring a few algorithms in my head for fictional science just for fun. I remember studying the 8 human senses out of curiosity of my own anosmia. Now I'm lucky if I complete a sentence coherently. Subject, check. Predicate, check. Forget balancing my checkbook. Zero, done. (j/k, sort of.) I just want to manage cooking more than cereal for my kids' breakfast and taking them to run a few errands without getting lost or spending too much time staring at the prices and wondering if it's worth it.
On the note of running errands, I will no longer be taking my children, or myself, to places which I do not know the way... by heart. I can't navigate like I used to either. Sucks having no friends close, let alone no friends with kids close, and really no way of getting them involved in a play group. I've become the person I can't stand: that mom who's basically incapable of life. My husband does everything, cooks, cleans, shops, fixes... I can match clothes and do laundry; that's about it lately. This has done two things for me in life: I have more time with nothing I can do (reasonably or efficiently), and I have less time to figure out how to get my act together. Pull yourself together, kid! Seriously, I can't get out of my own way! (For those even reading this and wondering: Yes, I've tried the MD route and she put me on anti-convulsents...yeah not so much, thanks.)
Okay so I'm winding down on the vent and feeling like, I dunno, I at the very least accomplished putting words together in sentence format. Yay, go me. Blog, check. So you're thinking either, "Oh, Caroline, pull yourself together and stop exaggerating!" or "Haha, very cute." or "OMG, this girl needs help! When did this all start?" Maybe something in between? Whatever. Talk to me sometime about it but I'll most likely have forgotten all about posting this. Should someone be concerned? So far, I got nothing.
Okay, just stared blankly for a minute and lost myself. See?! I don't even pay attention to myself! Talk about scatter-brained! Is anyone paying attention to how daft I am lately? I'm not talking about trying to put the silverwear away in the fridge, or walking to the kitchen and forgetting why I'm there. I mean solid brain gaps, or would that be concrete brain blocks? I don't know. Part of me does care... the small part that doesn't actually dominate the part of me that tries to do things about things. Part of me wants to whack myself upside the head and say, "Hey! Get your damned act together! There's nothing wrong with you and you know it!" Other parts say, "Who cares? Disappear into some unreality and forget about it." Have I become so complacent with trying to 'not-sweat-the-little-things' that I don't care about anything anymore? I must say my stress levels are way down, but the give-a-shit factor may have been affected as well.
Alright, let's just assume for a minute that I'm just venting at my own lack of awareness of the world around me, as in news, media, friends, family, everything. It's frustrating being the person who's clueless to everything. Those who know me know I like to be the one with something clever to say, something funny or encouraging or significant somehow. Castle. Yeah, insider. But seriously, this decline of mind has been happening long before the first mini-me started succubi-ing my insides. (There's a visual for you!) I remember looking with interest and understanding at my brother's college Calculus homework while I was a junior in high school. I remember figuring a few algorithms in my head for fictional science just for fun. I remember studying the 8 human senses out of curiosity of my own anosmia. Now I'm lucky if I complete a sentence coherently. Subject, check. Predicate, check. Forget balancing my checkbook. Zero, done. (j/k, sort of.) I just want to manage cooking more than cereal for my kids' breakfast and taking them to run a few errands without getting lost or spending too much time staring at the prices and wondering if it's worth it.
On the note of running errands, I will no longer be taking my children, or myself, to places which I do not know the way... by heart. I can't navigate like I used to either. Sucks having no friends close, let alone no friends with kids close, and really no way of getting them involved in a play group. I've become the person I can't stand: that mom who's basically incapable of life. My husband does everything, cooks, cleans, shops, fixes... I can match clothes and do laundry; that's about it lately. This has done two things for me in life: I have more time with nothing I can do (reasonably or efficiently), and I have less time to figure out how to get my act together. Pull yourself together, kid! Seriously, I can't get out of my own way! (For those even reading this and wondering: Yes, I've tried the MD route and she put me on anti-convulsents...yeah not so much, thanks.)
Okay so I'm winding down on the vent and feeling like, I dunno, I at the very least accomplished putting words together in sentence format. Yay, go me. Blog, check. So you're thinking either, "Oh, Caroline, pull yourself together and stop exaggerating!" or "Haha, very cute." or "OMG, this girl needs help! When did this all start?" Maybe something in between? Whatever. Talk to me sometime about it but I'll most likely have forgotten all about posting this. Should someone be concerned? So far, I got nothing.
Of Mice and Men
There's a mouse in our house... hopefully just one but who knows? We keep finding chewed up utensils in one of the drawers and haven't had time to buy and set any traps. Maybe tomorrow. Oh tomorrow... how I long for thee... (insert music: Somedaaayyyyy....)
Ahem, yes well... As I sit here trying to rid my mind of some children's song and not think about the mess of books and toys left out in the living room, I have to mention the success of this weekend. My brother and I pulled off quite the trick getting a surprise party together for my dad's 70th and getting him up here from Texas without either parent knowing. *Mischief Managed!* We were very happy about that. It was a very busy Saturday in fact. I broke my baby toe (likely but not confirmed beyond a black joint), kicked the rents out of the house with the kids, finished a huge Italian dinner my mama started, decorated, welcomed guests, helped break-up/avoid WWIII when it came to parking and certain egos vs neighbors, surprised the crappola out of the rents, balanced socializing with running the party, and got the kids home for bed... and I did it all with the help of my BFF! He really is the best husband in the world.
Okay, cheesy moment warning: It doesn't take a compassionate woman to recognize the hard work of a loving man. I'm proof since I'm about as cold-hearted and discompassionate as one can get at times. When I'm emotional at all it's irrational. Girly? Not me baby! Cards, anniversary dates and birthdays, special momentos and tender details... Blah! I'm just not good at that stuff and it's so not on my priority list. I listened to some co-workers bitching about their husbands the other day and thought, Wow, Jess isn't like that at all, and if he did any of those things he'd have good reason and I wouldn't rag on him for it. Another girl was bitching because the flowers she got were all wrong and stupid and blahblahblah... Really? Aren't you dumped yet? If you can't appreciate the effort someone extends to you then get out of that relationship! I got a FB message on my wall along the lines of, "blah blah, mushy stuff, I luv you." Now that's the best V-Day message for me.
While we're on the subject, I'll throw the big vent out there. People spend recockulous amounts of their paychecks on flowers, cards, candy, and whatever else and all to say "I love you." But what's the real message? Are we only in love once a year, spending the rest in a rat race of work, bills, home repair or what-have-you? I'm not saying this gesture of over-spending on Hallmark-worded love notes should extend throughout the year, yet for many it does. I'm saying let's not belittle the love we have for each other by exonerating the American holiday because someone in media says so. Let's exonerate love as it was meant to be. My husband runs our little maze day in and day out, night in and night out, running himself dry for the sake of our family's well-being. We see each other about once a week, which is way more than families in the military with loved ones deployed overseas. We hardly communicate and when we do it's (unfortunately) misinterpreted or lost. We're broke, broken, tired, tried, run down, run over, but we've got something no amount of money or rest or anything else could ever offer. We've got devotion to each other, love for the person each of us is inside. Jesse is my best friend because, well, who else would put up with me, but really because he knows me and doesn't have to impress me or shower me with stereotyped gifts I'll never want or use. We're not cover models carrying around brand-name garbage at over-priced mark-ups for the sake of looking good. We look horrible for the sake of getting done what needs getting done in life. Each day I choose to love him and each day I'm never, ever disappointed.
Hey Hallmark, put that in your hat and chew hard. :p
Ahem, yes well... As I sit here trying to rid my mind of some children's song and not think about the mess of books and toys left out in the living room, I have to mention the success of this weekend. My brother and I pulled off quite the trick getting a surprise party together for my dad's 70th and getting him up here from Texas without either parent knowing. *Mischief Managed!* We were very happy about that. It was a very busy Saturday in fact. I broke my baby toe (likely but not confirmed beyond a black joint), kicked the rents out of the house with the kids, finished a huge Italian dinner my mama started, decorated, welcomed guests, helped break-up/avoid WWIII when it came to parking and certain egos vs neighbors, surprised the crappola out of the rents, balanced socializing with running the party, and got the kids home for bed... and I did it all with the help of my BFF! He really is the best husband in the world.
Okay, cheesy moment warning: It doesn't take a compassionate woman to recognize the hard work of a loving man. I'm proof since I'm about as cold-hearted and discompassionate as one can get at times. When I'm emotional at all it's irrational. Girly? Not me baby! Cards, anniversary dates and birthdays, special momentos and tender details... Blah! I'm just not good at that stuff and it's so not on my priority list. I listened to some co-workers bitching about their husbands the other day and thought, Wow, Jess isn't like that at all, and if he did any of those things he'd have good reason and I wouldn't rag on him for it. Another girl was bitching because the flowers she got were all wrong and stupid and blahblahblah... Really? Aren't you dumped yet? If you can't appreciate the effort someone extends to you then get out of that relationship! I got a FB message on my wall along the lines of, "blah blah, mushy stuff, I luv you." Now that's the best V-Day message for me.
While we're on the subject, I'll throw the big vent out there. People spend recockulous amounts of their paychecks on flowers, cards, candy, and whatever else and all to say "I love you." But what's the real message? Are we only in love once a year, spending the rest in a rat race of work, bills, home repair or what-have-you? I'm not saying this gesture of over-spending on Hallmark-worded love notes should extend throughout the year, yet for many it does. I'm saying let's not belittle the love we have for each other by exonerating the American holiday because someone in media says so. Let's exonerate love as it was meant to be. My husband runs our little maze day in and day out, night in and night out, running himself dry for the sake of our family's well-being. We see each other about once a week, which is way more than families in the military with loved ones deployed overseas. We hardly communicate and when we do it's (unfortunately) misinterpreted or lost. We're broke, broken, tired, tried, run down, run over, but we've got something no amount of money or rest or anything else could ever offer. We've got devotion to each other, love for the person each of us is inside. Jesse is my best friend because, well, who else would put up with me, but really because he knows me and doesn't have to impress me or shower me with stereotyped gifts I'll never want or use. We're not cover models carrying around brand-name garbage at over-priced mark-ups for the sake of looking good. We look horrible for the sake of getting done what needs getting done in life. Each day I choose to love him and each day I'm never, ever disappointed.
Hey Hallmark, put that in your hat and chew hard. :p
Getting Started, at the least
Getting started is always the hardest. That goes for blogs, chapters, emails, any posts, any jobs, and projects, anything. I started cutting hearts with my daughter the other day to make valentines for today. She succeeded in putting together an amazing birthday card for my dad, Papa. As a matter of fact, I'm receiving some of her 'artwork' now (torn pink, colored-on paper). She's slung two pink bags over her shoulder and is going on some imaginary trip. Oh to be young again when acted-out imaginations were part of everyday living! See that, I've completely digressed.
Okay, my 'tickets' have been recollected... now for my thoughts. I spent some time at mama's yesterday for lunch and to clean-up downstairs before Saturday's party. Vacuumed my butt off and rearranged some furniture to make a nice area for hanging out and playing Play Station or Wii. I even found a lost puzzle piece and glued it place since the completed, back-boarded puzzles were out and accessible. It was one of those 'someday' things that happened to happen... Totally rare! Feeling perhaps just as accomplished for that little feat as I did for the back-breaking stuff, I went upstairs and did a little housework for mama too. Sometimes Jess and I have so little time and too many wrenches in life to make things we plan actually happen. We still have a basement full of 'stuff' which hasn't been unpacked. I'm thinking we'd better do this before the big meltdown... just in case. Haven't had a rainy season in the Shack yet so...
In other news I've been working to a close in yet another 'chapter' which will please one friend out there. It's not remotely what I like, expected, wanted, or what fits best in the grand scheme of things. I have learned a few things from the characters and found multiple continuity errors in the verse... again. *SIGH* Yup, one step forward, eight steps back. Or is that 50-something pages more, 100-something pages to reread? AHCK! Whatev, right? Not like I have a deadline; it's just a sanity thing, something the BFF will never understand. If only I had more than an hour or two every other night, or someone to actually bounce ideas off of, or some semblance of sense... yeah, whatev.
That's been my best accomplishment by far lately: letting go, dealing, moving on. As I type, I've just had one of those moments. Bekah almost lost the whole post thus far by banging a pen against the keyboard, not that she should've had a pen... which is all over VJ's face now... *sigh* yup. Whatev. We have bigger problems, like getting charged on our checking account a large amount which was to have been canceled, but wasn't. Our oil bill from last month is still hanging on the dry-erase board in the kitchen, unpaid. The in-box on my desk is quite full. The what-do-you-want-to-do-with-these pile on Jesse's bureau is thick, but when does he have time to look at it? Oh and more Shack fun: we have mice! What fun! Jess found a chewed up spatula in the drawer. Add it to the list.
Hey, we're healthy, aside the lingering colds, eczema, sores, etc. We're in a home. We're blessed with wonderful children, ahem... "VJ, What!?!" Hmm, too quiet in the bedroom... We've got four grandparents for the lit'uns, which neither of us had. We have full time, dependable jobs. We have the Lord, which is more than enough. We are rich; I know that, and that's a start.
Okay, my 'tickets' have been recollected... now for my thoughts. I spent some time at mama's yesterday for lunch and to clean-up downstairs before Saturday's party. Vacuumed my butt off and rearranged some furniture to make a nice area for hanging out and playing Play Station or Wii. I even found a lost puzzle piece and glued it place since the completed, back-boarded puzzles were out and accessible. It was one of those 'someday' things that happened to happen... Totally rare! Feeling perhaps just as accomplished for that little feat as I did for the back-breaking stuff, I went upstairs and did a little housework for mama too. Sometimes Jess and I have so little time and too many wrenches in life to make things we plan actually happen. We still have a basement full of 'stuff' which hasn't been unpacked. I'm thinking we'd better do this before the big meltdown... just in case. Haven't had a rainy season in the Shack yet so...
In other news I've been working to a close in yet another 'chapter' which will please one friend out there. It's not remotely what I like, expected, wanted, or what fits best in the grand scheme of things. I have learned a few things from the characters and found multiple continuity errors in the verse... again. *SIGH* Yup, one step forward, eight steps back. Or is that 50-something pages more, 100-something pages to reread? AHCK! Whatev, right? Not like I have a deadline; it's just a sanity thing, something the BFF will never understand. If only I had more than an hour or two every other night, or someone to actually bounce ideas off of, or some semblance of sense... yeah, whatev.
That's been my best accomplishment by far lately: letting go, dealing, moving on. As I type, I've just had one of those moments. Bekah almost lost the whole post thus far by banging a pen against the keyboard, not that she should've had a pen... which is all over VJ's face now... *sigh* yup. Whatev. We have bigger problems, like getting charged on our checking account a large amount which was to have been canceled, but wasn't. Our oil bill from last month is still hanging on the dry-erase board in the kitchen, unpaid. The in-box on my desk is quite full. The what-do-you-want-to-do-with-these pile on Jesse's bureau is thick, but when does he have time to look at it? Oh and more Shack fun: we have mice! What fun! Jess found a chewed up spatula in the drawer. Add it to the list.
Hey, we're healthy, aside the lingering colds, eczema, sores, etc. We're in a home. We're blessed with wonderful children, ahem... "VJ, What!?!" Hmm, too quiet in the bedroom... We've got four grandparents for the lit'uns, which neither of us had. We have full time, dependable jobs. We have the Lord, which is more than enough. We are rich; I know that, and that's a start.
Learning of Love
Okay, I know this is overdue... and I can't even promise anything good since I'm diving in without a plan (and with the Bruins' game on) but at least I'm taking the time to put something down.
I don't know where to begin with all that's been on my mind lately. It's not like I haven't typed enough about the Love Shack or my lit'uns lately, or even the BFF. I guess the gist of what I've been meaning to blog about lately has been love. I suppose with Valentine's Day only a few weeks away it's not out of place. Actually, it's never a bad time to talk about love. There's a post I've been wanting to put together specifically but I don't have time, or the proper poise, tonight. Instead I'll recap my experiences from the last few weeks.
My heart has been aching lately, and no, not in a bad way. I've actually felt it 'growing' at times when some emotional or inspirational moment happens to someone before me and I feel the words, "Look. See what's happening." I've been observing, both others and myself. Of course I can only do anything about myself. Over the last couple months I've found ways to become more patient with my children, more understanding with my husband, more compassionate for our parents, and more forgiving for others. It's not easy. I can't express all I'd like to for privacy reasons, yet I can say that in my observations it's clear that there is only One direction in which to turn for comfort: Love. I've spent time in prayer for the purposes which perhaps I'll write about later, but nothing makes my heart ache more than the loss of that direction especially when caused by tragedy and a feeling of hopelessness.
Let me lighten the mood a bit. The other observations of love have been the change in our lives, our daily routines. My parents have been missing our children something terrible. We spent the weekend together by going to the mall on Saturday followed by dinner at their house and on Sunday they watched the kids while Jess and I cleaned some more of our things out of their basement... followed by dinner again. They get their kid-fix and we get stuff done, plus the kids get a change of scenery. It was especially nice to get out and about for me when we walked around the mall, plus Jess got to sleep in a quiet house after an overnight shift. And oh boy do my parents love to spoil the kids!
There's a carousel in the food court at the mall we went to and it was a buck a ride. Now, I don't think I've mentioned yet that my parents have stepped it up and gotten iPhones (an entirely other story). After Bekah picked our her horse (the only black horse), called it Callico, and climbed up and stuck her feet in the stirrups, I strapped them in and wedged between the close horses to hold her and VJ on. I don't know which was funnier, spending the ride listening to them cry, "WEeeeeee!!" while Mammy and Papa had their noses in their phones trying to work the camera, or noticing the relief of the anatomically correct male 'cherubs' on the back of the carriage in front of us.
Okay, I'm so distracted by the myriad of directions in which to go and the fact that the Bs need to score soon! Ahem, I was speaking of growth through observation of love. Ah yes, observing love. It's not just seen in the interactions of my parents and children. It's in the way the lit'uns beg me to sing to them at night (which Jess thinks is silly, but I love it). It's in the way my BFF makes me a plate of dinner every night, or spends all his free time clearing the feet of snow we've gotten, or the way we haul ourselves out of bed to comfort crying children. It's in the way my parents have forgiven debt because they know our financial troubles (although they have them too). It's observable far beyond our little family. It's in the way friends come together for someone suffering a great loss. It's in the way one person tries to understand another's pain while others see only the shallow surface of grief. It's in the way people do without needing to be asked, regardless of self sacrifice and foregoing self-preservation. It's far beyond that as well.
In my observations, I have found love to also be defined in the continuous turning to God in prayer; for what we do not understand He does, always. Love is not just found in our strength but in our weaknesses. Is it not love when my young ones cry for me? Is it not love when they're frustrated, scared, lonely, hungry, thirsty, bored, and they turn to someone who cares for them to solve what they cannot? Is it not love when we, in desperation, turn to Him who formed us for comfort, support, strength, guidance, and sometimes answers. I know my children don't always understand the answers I offer them, and that's through audible communication. I shouldn't wonder why so many are lost in the ways that God communicates to us. It's difficult to hear His Word when our minds are otherwise occupied. I'm no pro by any means, but I'm learning, growing, observing.
I don't know where to begin with all that's been on my mind lately. It's not like I haven't typed enough about the Love Shack or my lit'uns lately, or even the BFF. I guess the gist of what I've been meaning to blog about lately has been love. I suppose with Valentine's Day only a few weeks away it's not out of place. Actually, it's never a bad time to talk about love. There's a post I've been wanting to put together specifically but I don't have time, or the proper poise, tonight. Instead I'll recap my experiences from the last few weeks.
My heart has been aching lately, and no, not in a bad way. I've actually felt it 'growing' at times when some emotional or inspirational moment happens to someone before me and I feel the words, "Look. See what's happening." I've been observing, both others and myself. Of course I can only do anything about myself. Over the last couple months I've found ways to become more patient with my children, more understanding with my husband, more compassionate for our parents, and more forgiving for others. It's not easy. I can't express all I'd like to for privacy reasons, yet I can say that in my observations it's clear that there is only One direction in which to turn for comfort: Love. I've spent time in prayer for the purposes which perhaps I'll write about later, but nothing makes my heart ache more than the loss of that direction especially when caused by tragedy and a feeling of hopelessness.
Let me lighten the mood a bit. The other observations of love have been the change in our lives, our daily routines. My parents have been missing our children something terrible. We spent the weekend together by going to the mall on Saturday followed by dinner at their house and on Sunday they watched the kids while Jess and I cleaned some more of our things out of their basement... followed by dinner again. They get their kid-fix and we get stuff done, plus the kids get a change of scenery. It was especially nice to get out and about for me when we walked around the mall, plus Jess got to sleep in a quiet house after an overnight shift. And oh boy do my parents love to spoil the kids!
There's a carousel in the food court at the mall we went to and it was a buck a ride. Now, I don't think I've mentioned yet that my parents have stepped it up and gotten iPhones (an entirely other story). After Bekah picked our her horse (the only black horse), called it Callico, and climbed up and stuck her feet in the stirrups, I strapped them in and wedged between the close horses to hold her and VJ on. I don't know which was funnier, spending the ride listening to them cry, "WEeeeeee!!" while Mammy and Papa had their noses in their phones trying to work the camera, or noticing the relief of the anatomically correct male 'cherubs' on the back of the carriage in front of us.
Okay, I'm so distracted by the myriad of directions in which to go and the fact that the Bs need to score soon! Ahem, I was speaking of growth through observation of love. Ah yes, observing love. It's not just seen in the interactions of my parents and children. It's in the way the lit'uns beg me to sing to them at night (which Jess thinks is silly, but I love it). It's in the way my BFF makes me a plate of dinner every night, or spends all his free time clearing the feet of snow we've gotten, or the way we haul ourselves out of bed to comfort crying children. It's in the way my parents have forgiven debt because they know our financial troubles (although they have them too). It's observable far beyond our little family. It's in the way friends come together for someone suffering a great loss. It's in the way one person tries to understand another's pain while others see only the shallow surface of grief. It's in the way people do without needing to be asked, regardless of self sacrifice and foregoing self-preservation. It's far beyond that as well.
In my observations, I have found love to also be defined in the continuous turning to God in prayer; for what we do not understand He does, always. Love is not just found in our strength but in our weaknesses. Is it not love when my young ones cry for me? Is it not love when they're frustrated, scared, lonely, hungry, thirsty, bored, and they turn to someone who cares for them to solve what they cannot? Is it not love when we, in desperation, turn to Him who formed us for comfort, support, strength, guidance, and sometimes answers. I know my children don't always understand the answers I offer them, and that's through audible communication. I shouldn't wonder why so many are lost in the ways that God communicates to us. It's difficult to hear His Word when our minds are otherwise occupied. I'm no pro by any means, but I'm learning, growing, observing.
Peanut Butter Mom
I did it. I finally did it. I actually played the role of house wife/mom today. Okay so not the first time, but still I'm proud to have been so productive and on a day I worked too! Usually my kids cling to me and whine and scream all day. Those of you who LOVE my kids may not think this happens as dramatically as I put it but this is because you see them in 'shy' mode or, next level up, 'show-you-everything-I-own' mode. When it's just me and them it's hands-down Mommy! mode. Can't stand it sometimes, but I can't complain (refrain from counter comments please).
So today you wonder what miraculous feat I'd accomplished, how much, how well, and so on? In short, we made cookies, played outside, made lunch and [they] took a bubble bath... all before 3 o'clock. It started when my BFF came home with Micky-D's hash-browns. I boiled some eggs, nuked the last ham-steak, and dished out a nice ham-and-eggs-with-hash-brown breakfast, juice and a vitamin each. Score one for house mom on the successful meal in minutes!
Okay so big deal: breakfast. After some playtime and getting dressed... back-up for the cute moment. Bekah insisted on dressing herself which she does for stickers so I let her. I was playing with VJ when she came out, "Mama! I all done!" Pants on backwards, skinny shirt on over larger shirt, sock inside out, but the underwear was fine. Took some convincing but I fixed her. Now they want snack. "Cookie break!" Fine since it's around 10ish. As I clean out the last few cookies from the container with them, I remember I've been meaning to bake some for Friday (co-worker's last day). Peanut Butter cookies it is! Can't get to the stand mixer but I started teaching Bekah about baking with a spatula and a plain bowl so here goes.
"Don't put that in your mouth!"
"Wait for me to pour it in!"
"Sit down or you'll fall!"
"Don't wipe that on... Ooh..."
Overall it went well. The cookies aren't up to my normal baking standards, which used to be high, but they are edible and I even topped them with Hersey Kisses so I'd say it was a success. (The kids demanded a few of the chocolates themselves but they had to pay with a kiss first! Love that ploy!)
Next feat of the day - Snow Play! They want to go out. They don't want to go out. They want to go out. They don't. Bekah, over here honey. VJ, come get your suit on. Bekah, potty time first. VJ, put that back. Bekah, we're going out so get those snowpants on! VJ, where's your... Bekah, where'd you put his hat you were trying to wear?!
Ahhh.... we made it outside, even bypassing the beloved Cheeseballs kept in then cabinet right by the back door (and they, specifically he, knows that). After a while of convincing Bekah that VJ does Not want snow dumped on him, and getting a workout scooting myself along the sledding hill to pack it down for them (don't ask), we finally decided we were cold and wet enough to come in.
Lunch. Peanut butter, grape jelly, crackers, and their own little toddler knives to spread aforementioned ingredients from their little cups I arranged. After much knife-licking, face-painting, sandwich-making, and some picture-taking, oh and cheeseballs, it was bath time. BTW: there was no actual sandwich eating.
"Bekah stop wiping that on your shirt!"
"It's okay Mama. Peanut Butter will dry right off."
As my BFF has said, just run the bath water and they come running. Should've wiped them up a little first but peanut butter wipes off tub sides just fine. I tossed in bubble bath and gave them a quick wipe down before stripping them and helping them in. As they splashed away I cleaned the kitchen from food to dishes to table too chairs and even finished with laundry. By the time I came in (having checked on them occasionally, especially when they were quiet), the water was cold and she demanded I wash her hair. She didn't like it. Neither did he. Alas, it had to be done: Cheeseballs and peanut butter.
After drying off and cozying up for Totoro, I putzed around to finish anything I'd missed before Jesse got up. Really, I'm skipping all the major tantrums that plagued the day, but I must say it was a productive day for me. Tomorrow is Friday; I work all day. It's a nice break from home.
So today you wonder what miraculous feat I'd accomplished, how much, how well, and so on? In short, we made cookies, played outside, made lunch and [they] took a bubble bath... all before 3 o'clock. It started when my BFF came home with Micky-D's hash-browns. I boiled some eggs, nuked the last ham-steak, and dished out a nice ham-and-eggs-with-hash-brown breakfast, juice and a vitamin each. Score one for house mom on the successful meal in minutes!
Okay so big deal: breakfast. After some playtime and getting dressed... back-up for the cute moment. Bekah insisted on dressing herself which she does for stickers so I let her. I was playing with VJ when she came out, "Mama! I all done!" Pants on backwards, skinny shirt on over larger shirt, sock inside out, but the underwear was fine. Took some convincing but I fixed her. Now they want snack. "Cookie break!" Fine since it's around 10ish. As I clean out the last few cookies from the container with them, I remember I've been meaning to bake some for Friday (co-worker's last day). Peanut Butter cookies it is! Can't get to the stand mixer but I started teaching Bekah about baking with a spatula and a plain bowl so here goes.
"Don't put that in your mouth!"
"Wait for me to pour it in!"
"Sit down or you'll fall!"
"Don't wipe that on... Ooh..."
Overall it went well. The cookies aren't up to my normal baking standards, which used to be high, but they are edible and I even topped them with Hersey Kisses so I'd say it was a success. (The kids demanded a few of the chocolates themselves but they had to pay with a kiss first! Love that ploy!)
Next feat of the day - Snow Play! They want to go out. They don't want to go out. They want to go out. They don't. Bekah, over here honey. VJ, come get your suit on. Bekah, potty time first. VJ, put that back. Bekah, we're going out so get those snowpants on! VJ, where's your... Bekah, where'd you put his hat you were trying to wear?!
Ahhh.... we made it outside, even bypassing the beloved Cheeseballs kept in then cabinet right by the back door (and they, specifically he, knows that). After a while of convincing Bekah that VJ does Not want snow dumped on him, and getting a workout scooting myself along the sledding hill to pack it down for them (don't ask), we finally decided we were cold and wet enough to come in.
Lunch. Peanut butter, grape jelly, crackers, and their own little toddler knives to spread aforementioned ingredients from their little cups I arranged. After much knife-licking, face-painting, sandwich-making, and some picture-taking, oh and cheeseballs, it was bath time. BTW: there was no actual sandwich eating.
"Bekah stop wiping that on your shirt!"
"It's okay Mama. Peanut Butter will dry right off."
As my BFF has said, just run the bath water and they come running. Should've wiped them up a little first but peanut butter wipes off tub sides just fine. I tossed in bubble bath and gave them a quick wipe down before stripping them and helping them in. As they splashed away I cleaned the kitchen from food to dishes to table too chairs and even finished with laundry. By the time I came in (having checked on them occasionally, especially when they were quiet), the water was cold and she demanded I wash her hair. She didn't like it. Neither did he. Alas, it had to be done: Cheeseballs and peanut butter.
After drying off and cozying up for Totoro, I putzed around to finish anything I'd missed before Jesse got up. Really, I'm skipping all the major tantrums that plagued the day, but I must say it was a productive day for me. Tomorrow is Friday; I work all day. It's a nice break from home.
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